Written by Morse
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Friday, 5 December 2008

Princeton,NJ/ Employment Daily - While the nation's economy continues to tank and millions are threatened with loss of jobs, many top positions are going unfilled due to lack of interest by the country's 25-40 "me first" age group.

In a new on line employment service enticingly named "Take This Job, PLEASE", founders claim many high paying, high profile jobs are just not getting filled for lack of interest.

"A few people do call occasionally, but when we ask for a basic resume, a valid social security number and proof of education, we seldom hear back from the caller," a job placement officer in Human Services told us.

"When we do get the infrequent resumes, we most often find that the applicant is functionally illiterate , and that most of the supporting education documents can not be verified. Even some of the applicants that previously served in the Massachusetts State Legislature have been found to lack basic communication and leadership skills, and a common work ethic. They basically are part of the nation's hard core unemployable" the spokesman said.

A sample of some of the top jobs being offered:

*Wanted: Single white male for marriage to secure US citizenship. Dark haired 32 year old beauty from wealthy Colombian family brings $50,000 cash dowery, 3500 square foot Spanish Villa in Marina Complex, and full time security provided by in laws. $100,000 accidental death policy included.

*Wanted: English-Ebonics bilingual instructor. Cater to high profile NBA/NFL stars. $5,000 wardrobe and "bling" allowance. $25,000 month guaranteed plus exciting night life experiences. Must be able to qualify for personal weapon "Carry Permit".

*Wanted: Ghost writer for illiterate tabloid slut for "tell all" insider look at Hollywood. Prefer BA Degree in Literature with post graduate work in Creative Writing. Computer with spellcheck and vivid imagination a "plus". Must be able to fit seamlessly into "Drug Culture" life style. $50K plus 7% of book profits.

*Wanted: Firearms instructor for movie stars, athletes , rap stars , and pharmaceutical entrepreneurs. Must be straight shooter and understand the safe handling of firearms, and the concept of a gun "safety", and the function of a "holster" over sticking cocked and locked .40mm Glock in your shorts.
Plenty of work. Starting @$15k month plus benefits.

* Wanted: Driver with off road experience, GPS knowledge, versed in escape and evasion driver techniques. Two trips per week from scenic Mexican cities to exciting Hollywood lights. Successful candidate earns up to $50k week. Unsuccessful gains state sponsored vacation at Soledad with free dental, health and personal proctologist on hand for 3 years.

A spokesman for the company said the lack of interest in the positions was directly attributed to the recent Presidential election results. "When you have an administration that guarantees that you don't have to work and you'll still be taken care of, would you go out and look for a job?"

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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