Dearest Madame Bitters,
My husband, 'Terry' and I seperated in early May of this year after fourteen years of marriage and our divorce was finalized last week. While I'm relieved that Terry and I are no longer married, I was with him for a good chunk of my life and I'm just not used to being alone. I'm only 34 and I feel like I'm at a crossroads in my life. How can I deal?
-Flummoxed in Grand Rapids, MI
Let me tell you something about divorce: You can only feel one of two ways about it. You can be emotionally shattered about it or you can feel like you've just had a 200 pound life-draining, dream-smashing, gas-passing tumor removed. Madame Bitters speaks with authority on the subject of failed marriages because she has been divorced three times.
I've actually been married five times but I've been widowed twice. I've been advised by my team of lawyers not to discuss the events surrounding the deaths of two of my husbands, as the police are still conducting their investigation.
The point I'm trying to make is that since I've been divorced more times than I've been widowed, you've asked the right person for advice.
A couple of paragraphs ago, I told you there were two schools of thought on divorce; emotional devestation and relief.
It sounds like you identify with the second group which is good for both of us. Because there's no way I'm going to listen to you bitch and moan about how how much you miss your husband and how you, "let him slip away." It's no secret that I hate whiners and that I refuse to coddle crybabies. So let's press on, shall we?
I suggest the first thing you do is throw yourself a 'Divorce' shower. Tie tin cans to the bumper of your car and write 'Just Divorced' on the back window in shoe polish. With the money you got from the divorce settlement (you have better gotten at least six-figures or Madame Bitters will be very dissapointed in you) go and celebrate your new-found freedom in style.
Go to the liquor store and take your platinum AMEX card with you. After you've got the party refreshments, book yourself a few male strippers. Look under the "Adult Entertainment" section of your city's phone directory if you're unsure about where to start.
Invite all of your friends (including friends that both you and your ex-husband share)and party until you forget why you threw the party in the first place. Terry? Who's that?
If your ex-husband crashes your bash, take this opportunity to provide the other party-goers with a bit of unscheduled entertainment. Chances are he's going to be upset when he finds out how well you're doing after the divorce and how you aren't curled up in fetal position pining away for him. When he gets there tell him how much you're enjoying life without him and wait for him to come unglued. This is the sort of unscripted entertainment that party goers enjoy most, aside form the strippers, that is.
You may be wondering what to do once the party has ended, but who says it has to? You were married all through your twenties, which is the decade when adults are supposed to experience life to it's fullest. You're 34 now, so you've got to make up for lost time.
Get a tattoo, get something pierced, get a job in the sex industry, do anything you couldn't do when you were married. In short, get a life!!! This is an order, and you don't want to disobey Madame Bitters. Just ask my former husbands, or the ones that still alive, anyway.