Dearest Madame Bitters,
Yesterday when I came home from work early I got the shock of my life. I walked in on 'Stan,' my husband of 8 years dressed up in women's clothing, some of which are mine. He was even wearing panyhose, heels and makeup! Stan swears to me he isn't gay and that he dresses in women's clothing to 'unwind.' He also confessed he's been doing it since he was a teenager. I don't think he's gay, but I just don't understand why he feels the need to dress in drag. What do you think?
-Feeling Decieved in Tallahasee
I think you weren't paying attention when your husband told you why he dresses in drag. He said he did it to unwind. I mean come on, I wasn't even there when this whole Jerry Springer-esque scene unfolded, but I was paying attention when I read your letter.
However, I can apprecieate how jarring it must have been for you to walk in on your husband and find him dressed up like an extra from The Crying Game, so I'll forgive you for your poor listening skills. Just don't make a habit of it.
Madame Bitters thinks you are looking at the situation between Stan and yourself the wrong way. If you've read my column before you know that I'm no Pollyanna glad-game- playing optomist. However, you also know that if there's any way I can turn a bad situation to my (or in this case, your) advantage I'll find it.
In your letter you said some of the clothes you caught Stan wearing were yours. Don't you see how great that is? If you and your husband wear the same size, you can double your wardrobe, girlfriend.
If the two of you go shopping together he'll actually be able to give you helpful answers to questions you may ask like, 'Do these look like hooker boots to you?" and "Is that rule about not wearing white after Labor Day still true?" Your soul mate is also a great shopping partner. Do you realize how lucky you are?
You also mentioned that your husband was wearing makeup. You may not know this, but cross dressers and drag queens always have the best cosmetics. I'm talking MAC, Smashbox, the high priced, good quality stuff. So take advantage of this and raid his makeup drawer ASAP.
These are just two of the vast, vast number of possibilities you have now that you know your husband is a cross dresser. And since he's not gay, what's the problem?
Here's what Madame Bitters suggests: Next Saturday night you and your husband put on your hottest dresses, get dolled up, and hit the clubs together. If drinking together, clubbing together, and being able to share your husband's lipstick doesn't constitute the perfect union then I feel confident in stating that the institution of marriage is dead!