For those of you planning to go camping in the near future, here are some tips on what to do should a bear approach you and your family at your campsite:
Prepare ahead of time. Take a neighbor's kid-they always want to go- and put some bacon grease on his pants cuffs and let him sleep closest to the tent flap.
If you wake up and it's YOU a bear is sniffing, immediately shat your pants. Although this is an automatic reflex, you might try to get some of it up into your shirt also.
The most important thing is to keep your head and not panic, even though you're certainly facing a horrible slow death.
Bears scare easily. Try pulling your sheet up over your head and going Booooooo!!!
Instead of panicking and hurling cans of pork n' beans at him, keep an easy-opened can of whupass handy by your sleeping bag.
You came outdoors for adventure, didn't you. Jump on that old bear's back and ride that sucker clear off the mountainside.
If there's some leftovers from cooking your supper, sneak it over to that other campsite with the cubscouts. Everyone knows a bear won't hurt her cubscout.
Your last hope is to lay down and play dead. But remember, even if you ARE dead, don't make any sudden moves.
For further instructions, see "www.youarebearmeat.web".