Sphincter, Ohio - After their recent tour of the White House with George and Laura Bush, Barack and Michelle Obama have decided to whitewash the White House with anal bleach before they take occupancy.
"Out with the old, in with the new," said Michelle. "After eight years, that white trash has really trashed the place, top to bottom."
"The exterior hasn't looked this bad since the British troops attacked Washington and burned down the White House in 1814," added Barack.
"That's why we're using Dolly Madison brand anal bleach to whitewash the exterior," explained Michelle.
"I had it researched in the Library of Congress and that's what she used. It's a little known fact of American history that Dolly Madison then made a fortune from her anal bleach company and donated every bit of it to restore the White House after the British torched it."
"Yes, good citizens hosted anal bleaching house parties all over the country to raise the money for the White House restoration in 1814," explained Barack. "Even freed slaves lent a, well, they lent a". "Hand," said Michelle, finishing her husband's sentence for him, as usual.
"Some went further than that," asserted Barack. "One black family in particular, I believe it was the Jacksons, really threw themselves heart and soul into the anal bleaching campaign. They were entertainers, I believe, and toured the country singing 'It don't matter if you're black or white' to promote anal bleaching."
"Some say they went too far and now we've got that weirdo, Jacko to deal with. Damned those British; special friendship, my ass."
"Anyway, our people are talking to Oprah's people right now to see if she will sponsor an anal bleaching telethon to raise the necessary funds so we can have the White House anal bleaching done again before the inauguration."
Michelle added realistically, "Well, we're hoping to at least have the rear portico done by Christmas."
"Then we've got to tackle the whole interior," sighed Michelle. "What the hell was Laura Bush thinking of hanging those chocolate starfish print drapes in the master
bedroom! Disgusting! Don't it make my brown eyes blue."
"And I damned well ain't sleeping in that bed with the matching puckered chocolate starfish bed sheets," asserted a decisively presidential Barack. "Switch all that crap to your mother's room. I want crisp white sheets, with no holes in them."
"Let's just leave that open-ended, shall we?" shot back a miffed Michelle, obviously stressed at the monumental task of readying their new home.
"I just don't know what those Bushes were up to in the White House," said Barack. "The library is stacked with books with strange titles like 'Yodelling up the Canyon', 'Cultivating your Rear Garden', 'Pucker Factor 10', 'Front Door, Back Door' and 'View from the South Rim'."
Michelle, her smouldering brown eyes widely dilated in mock horror, added, "Yes, and I had to rip a copy of 'Fudge Packing Made Easy' right out of the girls' hands. "They were heading to the White House kitchen with it to ask the chef to make daddy a surprise."
"Maybe we should just ask the British to come and burn the place down again and start over," sighed an exasperated Barack.
"Don't get stressed, hon," said a dutiful Michelle. "Once we get you anally bleached, your self-confidence will be back in a flash."
"It worked for the Madisons and it will work for us. Don't forget that Washington was in a complete shambles after the British invasion in 1814. We've just got to clean up the mess from a couple of Bushwhackers. Piece of chocolate cake."
"Now get your skinny black ass over here and start bleaching your rear portico!"
"I guess it's true," admitted Barack, dipping a latex gloved hand deep into a five gallon can of Dolly Madison industrial strength anal bleach and applying it to his rear portico. "Behind every great man, there's a great woman."