Hairy Furrows/Illinois. Eddy Dubois on personal assignment. I'm standing in the garden of William Shatner, or better known to his legions of fans as James 'Tiberius' Kirk. Wow. I hardly know how to greet the man, I am so in awe of actually standing in the great actor's prescence that I just clam up. Fortunately, Jim, I mean Bill, puts me at ease by giving my ear a 'wet willy'..(such big fingers!).
Bill leads me to his vast garden, where I'm amazed to see that there is a full scale studio mock up of the original series bridge underneath his hibiscus trailed pagoda.
Eddy Dubois: So Bill, I mean, this is just wonderful!
Bill: Yes isn't it! Well, we get together and put on summer party plays, you know, just for fun!
Eddy Dubois: No way!! For real!! I would love to see that..OMG!
Bill: Haha. I'll send you an invite.
Eddy Dubois: Wow, so you and the remaining original crew?!?
Bill: .....with that gayboy Sulu and that overweight black dyke Uhura!! Are you kidding me!! (Laughs)....
Reporters Note:I'm amazed at what a good santa Bill would make...his cheeks are so FAT and RED!!
Eddy Dubois: Bill, are you a homophobe?
Eddy Dubois: Someone who hates gay people.
Bill: Oh yes, I can't stand fags....Sulu tried to slip me his tiny boner up against the Comm Station during the episode 'Man Trap'. I fucking beat him down baby. YEAH.
Eddy Dubois: Errr, well, aptly name episode I guess! Anyway...so, about the spaceship.
Bill: You a fag?
Eddy Dubois: Pardon?
Bill: Something wrong with your ears boy? I said (louder) you A FAG...WANT ME TO SPELL IT FOR YOU? F A G. FAG.
Eddy Dubois: Look Bill, I came here actually to see your incredible spaceship....remember? We emailed each other a lot, I've travelled for two days to get here.
Bill: You're a fucking fag. Get the FUCK of my property. Fucking booty bandit, chutney fucking ferret, you little fuck, I'll fucking whip your booty boy, I'll WHIP it.
Eddy Dubois: (now I'm getting pissed) oh yessss, oh yes Big Bill....Oh Captain JAMES T KIRK..that's Big Cappy K I R K....whip my juicy little booty, oh Billy, put my booty into waaarpp drive...I love..(various crashing sounds and grunts, tape goes dead).
Eddy Dubois Reporters Log Stardate 24102008.1357.21
After venturing into the Hairy Furrows Quadrant, on pulsar sensor mission to find the incredible space ship that had been observed circling the dying star 'William Shatner', we failed to discover this magnificent craft. With huge solar flares, the USS Dubois was rocked violently by the star, resulting in multiple injuries to the crew, and prolonged respite in sickbay. Reporters note: Avoid this star, at all costs. Make it so.