Today at the G20 summit in Washington President George W Bush met Chancellor Angela D Merkel, and here is the Secret Service recording of their conversation -
Bush: 'Yo, Angie! How's tricks? Still tryin' a-sell us that piss water you call beer?'
Merkel [through a translator]: 'Good morning, Mr President, thank you for wishing to talk to me.'
Bush: 'Heck, how can ah talk ta ya, honey, you can't speak Germanic, and ah can't talk English! But what's this about a banking Christmas in Eurodisney? You need a few deutschmarkers? Condi, get onto the Feds and get 'em to give Angie some deutschers.'
Merkel: 'Germany's currency is now the Euro, not the Deutschmark. Mr. President, I wish to discuss the worldwide banking crisis, vis a vis American lending rates and export policies.'
Bush: 'Huh? Vizzie what? Where is Condi? Look, Ange, baby, honey, cutesie pie, how's about some good ole-fashioned pigs' knuckles and sour kraut, that should make ya feel at home!'
Merkel (in German): 'Who is this dumb cretin? I thought we were going to have secret trade talks.'
Translator (in German): 'I know, it's hard to believe this brain-damaged baboon is president of anything, but just go along with his infantile gibberish, the State Department will have the real talks with you later.'
Bush: 'Hey! Quit talking Germanian, folks! Makes me feel kinda lost, ya know, like I was lost in Albany last year. Have you met the Queen of England, Angie?'
Merkel: 'No, I haven't, but I admire her greatly. She brings dignity and experience to the world stage in times of international difficulties and hardships.'
Bush: 'Hell, she's old enough to be my daughter, wonder why she never got married? Laura said the Queen don't wanna spend her life with an inbred clown that keeps talking crap about countries he knows nothing about, or stay with someone who has about as much brains as a hard-boiled egg. Heck, ma wife's one smart lady, she got me instead!'
Merkel: 'Mr. President, as Chancellor of Germany I must ask you what your country's plans are for growth, and in particular your future plans for trade with us.'
Bush: 'Mrs. Gomez denied the charges, claiming to be on holiday when the theft occurred. Heck! Ah'm reading the wrong autocue again! Dang, where is Condi when I need her? Heads up, look who's here! [Barack Obama walks into the room] Hey, Barry, glad you could drop by, Condi's gone AWOL again, maybe you can help me with this kraut pancake, haven't a scooby what she's a-talkin' about.'
Merkel: 'Hello, Senator Obama, pleased to meet you.'
Obama: 'Hi, Mrs. Merkel, I hope your discussions with President Bush have, without offering any prejudicial influence from my offices, made the right sort of progressive moves towards a just and mutual enterprise.'
Bush: 'Beam me up, Angie!'
Obama: 'Our mutually beneficial trade routes will, I know, help strengthen the moves towards peace in the Middle East, and strengthen our determination for a just and peaceful solution, without endangering peace in that piece of the world.'
Merkel (in German to translator): 'I preferred Bush's babblings, this guy makes even less sense. And talking to a German about war and peace! Sure this isn't Candid Camera?'
Translator: 'I'm beginning to wonder myself. You know how Americans love TV and believe anything on it - they even believe CNN and ABC News!' [laughs]
Merkel: 'Thank you for the talks, Mr. President, I shall bear in mind what you have said [translator sniggers], and hope the rest of the summit goes as well as these talks have.'
Bush: 'And ah hope so too, Your Majesty. Hey, why not bring your husband Adolf round for dinner tonight? You could meet Dad, him and Ken Tennedy have always liked Germans!'
Merkel: 'Goodbye, Mr. President. Goodbye, Senator.'
Bush: 'See ya, Angie!'
Obama: 'I hope that, in due course, we can ...'
Mrs Merkel went to her room to bathe her temples with eau-de-cologne, her translator was laughing so much he had to join President Bush for a few large JDs on ice to calm himself down. Senator Obama was still trying to learn his Perry Mason scripts.