Written by Mahavishnu BBZ
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Wednesday, 19 November 2008

image for The Greatest Games Never Made - Part 3/4 Larrys Looking Leathered

WOMB RAIDER VI - The Damp Patch Diaries (I.L.P. Studios)
Genre : Clam-Conquering Platformer
No. of Players : You are THE player
Difficulty Level : Interesting learning curve, from playground to playboy in 25 short years

Those darlings at I.L.P. Studios (Ivana Lara Pussy) have hit financial gold with its seemingly never-ending Womb Raider series. Again you are thrust into the role of Larry Croft, notorious lover, lothario, labia-licker and lisping lunatic whose sole purpose in life is to keep his manhood lubricated in the most natural - and best! - way available, by constantly marinating it in woman juice!

Our protagonist from Metal Gear Flaccid could take a leaf out of Larrys book, the non-drinking, non-smoking, all smarmy, always poking anti-hero never fails to perform (except during level 3, where the Viagra is replaced by Lesley Thomas tablets, leaving our Larry with only a stiff upper-lip for once!)

This game is played mostly in flashback, charting the relative rise to success as our character picks up cheesy chatup lines, cheques and tips, chubby chicks, chlamydia and a chaffed Charlie on the way to stained satin sheet stardom!

To be honest, this series had become a little tired of late, a bit like some of Larrys conquests, but apart from early teething problems, the cocksure character is definitely back on track. You spend too much time early in the game alternating between thrusting for glory then having your rhythm broken by squeals of 'I'm too dry!' by the underage pick-ups, meaning you have to keep leaving the house and going to the all-night garage for lube, amusing at first, but it can become repetitive.

This game comes (literally) into its own in later levels though, when the enlightened Larry dons his Leisure Suit, and heads for the glorious bright lights, threesomes, foursomes and orgies of the Vegas runaways porno scene, ending in a monumental and memorable climax!

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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