Written by Mahavishnu BBZ
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Wednesday, 19 November 2008

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METAL GEAR FLACCID (VIAGRACOM SOFTWARE)
Genre : Alcoholic Role-playing Adventure
No. of Players : 1 sad loner
Difficulty Level : Frustratingly Humiliating - hope the TVs insured

In this latest instalment of Viagracoms ever popular series, you play the role of urban warrior and perpetual bed-wetter Flaccid Snake. Armed with the usual array of weapons and power-ups, ranging from pocketfuls of loose change for close quarters kebab shop encounters, up to the devastating Wildly Swung Traffic Cone (with new improved "I'll kill the fuckin lotta ye!" vocal boost), not forgetting the wonderful Carry-Out power-ups you encounter along the way, before 10pm.

Also the new improved 'Resisting Arrest' move certainly gave our office team something to wrestle with over their gin & bacon bagels. The 'Metal Gear' (or steel plate in the skull) has been further enhanced so that Snake now believes that by lighting a fag, whistling nonchalantly and browsing a closed shops steel shuttering, he becomes invisible to the local constabulary.

In this outing, we find Snake on the hunt for a lass to help him empty his bulging ball sack, but as usual, even though he drops his standards lower than a thalidomide's arse, he is scuppered by his over-imbibing causing little Percy Pecker to flop about like a pink slug who's backbones on permanent vacation. Ultimately, he becomes embroiled in the devious plans of an evil mastermind and probably a secret cat-stroker on the quiet, Judge Judy Testosterone.

This battle of wills and unpaid fines for public order offences is the most engrossing story yet in the series, and accompanied by your ever faithful imaginary sidekick Lambrini, the dialogue is the standard we've come to expect of this title, i.e. babbling crap. So once again, its hats off to those crazy Japanese and their incomprehensible storylines!

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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