Dear Guru Mahavishnu of all knowing, (and a good general knowledge of plumbing)
Oh great wise and wonderful one, can you please explain to me the rules between watching porn and having sex? For it is my understanding that I may have sexual intercourse with a female from the age of 16 but in order to actually watch myself having sex with this woman or anybody else have sex I must be 18?
Please oh wise one guide me as to the rules of this for I fear the younger generation are having sex with their eyes closed (and that's not during anal either)
Adam 'Katamari' Heaton
Dear sweet (containing a source of phenylalanine) Adamski,
Ah, Ah, achoo! young man, fine dilemma, fine dilemma!
It may seem absurd that you can actually get your grubby mitts on a real live fleshy poor girly specimen before a soon-to-be slimy grot magazine or really badly pun-laced jizz flick.(Muff-Diving Miss Daisy? Breakfast At TitFannys?, I Know Who You Did Last Summer?)
The truth is, the government gives people a full 2 years to get it on with a female desperate enough to accept their fetid panting breath within range for more than 5 minutes usually compensated by six cider n blacks or half a bottle of fake Drambuie from Aldi. (or Walmart for Yank yankers).
Most people who haven't had their wicks wet with lady love liquid in 2 years are either (a) fundamentalist christians and its probably better if they don't procreate, or (b) never will, and are destined to a life of bad skin, long dirty rainmacs, and lonely nights with a copy of 'Razzle' and Industrial sized Swarfega jar.
In truth, the two year buffer is in reality a sociological phallacy/phallusy, as anyone who hasn't dabbled from about 14 is either in a coma or taking their train set far too seriously.
As for the plotlines in such mucky movies, well, regardless of the amount of implants and cocaine a room full of dripping porn gimps possess, photocopiers DO develop faults, plumbers ALWAYS call at inopportune times, and the man who walks in on his wife and 5 builders who can nonchalantly nudge his way into orifice number 3 instead of going to the garage for the chainsaw surely deserves the Cuckold of the Year award!
Yours with Latex Gloves on,
Mahavishnu BuryBoBZ & the battery powered 'Queen Bee'...