Written by Mahavishnu BBZ
Rating:

Share/Bookmark
Print this

Sunday, 16 November 2008

image for Dating: Stand Up Excuses Guide. #127 My flouresecent Angels

"I was making you a matchstick model of the Taj Mahal as an introductory showing off gift, when I inadvertently superglued my face to the ceiling.

My faithful dog, Osama, noticed my plight, and attempted to dial your number then put the phone into speakerphone mode. Sadly he transposed the last 2 digits and I ended up calling a Double Glazing call centre. For 7 hours, I pleaded for them to call emergency services, but they had me agree to buy full triple glazing for all the street. Osama didnt bloody transpose my credit card number did he?

I was getting quite worried now, so I pushed my shoe loose and kicked it out of the front window, hoping to alert a helpful stranger. Unfortunately it nobbled 'Scabarms McScumbag', the local drug addict who proceeded to climb in through the broken pane, glued me to the ceiling completely like a human spider, injected me with his used syringe, cut my clothes from me, sexually abused me with the help of a pile of furniture in the middle of the room, then ransacked my house of all valuables, only stopping on his way out to set fire to the chair mountain beneath me.

Luckily, to a degree, the house is fitted with a very sensitive fire alarm and sprinkler system, unluckily, the builders were more akin to laying uneven tarmac than the intricacies of internal systems, and had wired the sprinkler to the gas pipe. Once activated, this caused a huge explosion which propelled my ceiling, with me attached, up through the roof and into the street, landing on the poor McScumbag chap, killing my rapist instantly but sadly lacerating my scalded buttocks on my 52" widescreen Toshiba HDTV which he was carrying away at the time.

Thankfully, by this time a few neighbours had reported the noises to the relevant authorities. Apart from the tactical aid unit riddling me with rubber bullet ammo due to the impression I was part of a terrorist pact, then the fireman almost choking me to death with damping foam as he thought I was a charcoal efigy of modern art, I ended up in hospital in time to see my tale being guffawed over by Lorraine Kelly & co on This Morning.

But I could make tomorrow at 7 if your still interested?

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

If you fancy trying your hand at comedy spoof news writing, click here to join!
Print this

More by this writer

View Story
View Story
View Story
View Story
View Story
View Story

Share/Bookmark

84 readers are online right now!

Go to top