Since the flu season is almost here, a survey of general practitioners have been consulted and the following recommendations are highly recommended for everyone, especially for the now older, softer candy-ass Baby Boomers:
1. If your child comes home from school all coughing, sweating and wheezing, immediately lock him in the attic or in the basement and feed him his food and pills through a slot in the door. It's for the good of the whole family, not just his own.
2. No not blow a big hocker into a handkerchief. No, let's have some fun with this thing. Have an office pool on how long it will stay on the wall after you've hacked it up and blown it head high. This wiil actually cheer your fellow workers during the unfun post-Superbowl season .
3. When you cough, cough in your hand and immediately run for the door and cast it outside. No one wants to walk into a room full of coughs.
4. Take plenty of laxatives to help prevent loud coughs and sneezes.
5. Always wash your hands before and after sex.
6. If a snotty-nosed grandchild comes running towards you with his arms stretched out, make a hideous face, grab your heart and fall on the floor and play dead until they haul him off crying. He'll thank you for it when he gets a little older.
7. Take a daily flu shot every day between December and February.
8. Stay indoors. Birds have already heard that there may be human-flu around and they could peck you to death should you show your head outside.
9. Keep Jack Kavorkian's number on speed-dial.
10. Consume lots of vitamin C by drinking at least three quarts of orange juice daily with plenty of zinc added*
11. Grit your teeth and reach down deep inside of yourself and just plain refuse to die! Dying of Flu in today's world is an embarrassment for the whole family.
*It's easy to add zinc to your orange juice by purchasing several 1943 pennies and grinding them into powder and mixing it with juice.