Subject: Yes, we can!
This report is to inform you that the first stage of the operation - the infiltration under a "presidential nominee" cover - has been fulfilled successfully. Praise be to Allah: in a couple of weeks we're going to get the White House.
I look forward to getting your further guidelines.
Barack Hussein Obama, special agent for Al-Queda.
In the name of Allah, the most gracious, the most merciful, you, my zelaous son of islam, must blow up the citadel of Satan - the White House.
You find all necessary instructions in the attachment.
May the mercy of Allah be upon you,
Ysama bin Laden, servant of Allah.
unfortunately, an unexpected obstacle has arisen on the way of our plan. After those servants of Satan( I mean - Republicans) realized, that only my program serves the interests of the majority of the American people, they launched the smear campaign, accusing me of associating with terrorists. My opponents have forgotten that the American people don't want to hear politicians attack each other - you want to hear about how we're going to attack the challenges facing middle class families each and every day.
Nevertheless, some American people got under the influence of that propaganda and send me the threats. Moreover, a plot to assassinate me has been revealed. That's why I am now under the strengthened secret service protection. Those agents follow me everywhere when I live my house. How can I get explosives under such circumstances?
Barack Hussein Obama, mojahedeen.
Subject: No problem
In the name of Allah, the most beneficent, the most merciful, I send you for the assistance a daughter of Islam: born in America fresh graduate from Stanford. She contacts you just after inauguration and you give her job at your office. Her name you find in the attachment.
Twice a month she will bring ingredients for the explosives in the special belt, till you accumulate them enough. And then - at the time set - you will make your noble deed in the sake of Allah.
May Allah rewards you,
Ysama bin Laden, servant of Allah
Subject: What a flop!
It looks as if we are almost caught red-handed. Those infidels proved to be more perspicacious than we suggested. FBI caught the daughter of Islam soon after our seventh meeting. She is interrogated day and night, but still has not confessed. Hopefully, she will keep her firm stance: you see, as I'd promised my voters, I banned "enhanced interrogation methods", as well as other loopholes for torture.
Fortunately, the investigators lack clear evidences: I managed to use all the explosives for the firework at the Independence Day Celebration. Praise be to Allah, that thanks to the wisdom of Founding Fathers, we here have the best in the world juridical system. No one can be charged just because of unproven suspicions. Besides, I've hired the best lawyers. One of them, sir, you should remember trough business. This is Rudy Giuliani.
However, those jackals (I mean Republicans) have thrown aside all restrain and want to impeach me! They just forgot that it were not them, but American people, who had elected me for that job.
The first and the most important stage of that battle depends on Grand Jury Decision.
That's why, sir, don't be surprised, when you get the subpoena to testify before Grand Jury.
Our every hope is yours and yours only. For only you can prove that I DID NOT HAVE SEXUAL RELATIONSHIPS WITH THAT WOMAN.