17. Your mother no longer complains that you never write or call.
16. Every week, boxes of vials and syringes show up at your doorstep -- and you're neither a doctor nor a professional athlete.
15. All this spam *must* be for some unknown small-penised impostor.
14. Scruffy male prostitutes approach you and you wife in the church parking lot, talking gibberish about "backdoor confessionals" and your "meth tab." Of *course* someone stole your identity -- you're a PREACHER, for God's sake!
13. In spite of a tireless work ethic and a 100% conviction rate, you're inexplicably fired by Attorney General Gonzales.
12. Suddenly you've got subscriptions to both Ebony and Jet. (Michael Richards only)
11. Your savings: gone.
Your credit cards: maxed.
Your credit score: 11.
But based their sales records, you're the Customer of the Year at Robot Babes 'R' Us.
10. "Yeah, that's an awesome moonwalk, but I'm tellin' ya: Another white lady already came in and cashed the February royalty check for 'Billie Jean.'"
9. "Take it up with eBay, mister; I'm leaving the goat here."
8. Someone seems to have jeopardized your '08 presidential chances by stealing your "Senator from New York" ID and voting to authorize the war on Iraq.
7. Three doctors show up at your house to collect the organs you promised to donate when you died.
6. Your Amex card disappeared last week, and now your son's sleepover friend is the only kid in elementary school who owns a Lamborghini and a condo in Maui.
5. After you make love to your wife, she says she prefers the other you.
4. A faxed copy of your credit report kills so many trees that Al Gore comes to your office and slaps you silly.
3. Netflix just shipped you "Slutty Slutty Gang Bang." Either you're a victim of identity theft or you're about to be a victim or spousal abuse.
2. "Dear Ms. Hilton, thank you for your recent purchase of 'Rocket Science for Virgins....'"
1. That $400 billion the Pentagon has spent on the war in Iraq just showed up on your VISA statement.