18. "Well you didn't say you wanted it cooked!"
17. He just doesn't have the same bright, optimistic smile now as he did two years ago on the cover of Time Magazine's "DotCom Successes" issue.
16. "Hey, boss, mind if I leave a little early so I can bring Ms. Brown-Simpson these sunglasses she left on the table?"
15. There's a healthy pink glow peeking out from behind the goth makeup.
14. When you ask for fresh pepper, she pulls out a can out of her purse and sprays you right between the eyes.
13. When asked if the chef makes his own pasta, she replies, "No, but he does like to pretend he's in love with you for a few weeks, sleep with you, then tell you that this relationship has run its course and he'd like to concentrate on his career."
12. "You want the specials? YOU CAN'T HANDLE THE SPECIALS!!!"
11. Your pupu platter contains real poo.
10. The other waiters: Towels draped elegantly over their arms. Him: Towel tied around his leg as a tourniquet.
9. Unzips his pants to test the temperature of the soup.
8. Tells you the special is "crabs, courtesy of that slut waitress over there."
7. Writes down your order with his bloody finger stump.
6. Unlike the good old days, he doesn't even go back in the kitchen to spit on your food.
5. "Here's your order, Ma'am: a large Angst Steak with a side order of My Wife is Banging My Brother."
4. He just realized the gentleman at table 12 may not have gone to his white Bronco to "find his real wallet."
3. When asked "What's good?" he replies, "Your wife's ass."
2. Asks for your help in hawking loogies into table 17's Cesar salad before he serves it.
1. Flaming Shish-kabob behind his ear, hungry customer gnawing on a #2 pencil.