16. "Okay, the baby will be ready in time for dinner! Now where's that chicken you wanted me to bathe?"
15. You're lobbying hard to get all three toddlers on the upcoming "Survivor: Australia."
14. "Maybe you'd be more popular, son, if you were good at something."
13. You've earned "Platinum Preferred Guest" status on the Jerry Springer Show.
12. Not only is it unsafe to let little Jeremy drive at age 9, but the windows on the getaway car aren't even bullet-proof.
11. "Sex? Just turn on Spice:Xcess, then let me know if you have any questions."
10. Instead of spit and a handkerchief, you clean your kids' faces with turpentine and sandpaper -- because that's the way *your* father did it.
9. You suspect your son may not be getting the Ayatollah's full recommended daily allowance of floggings.
8. All of Bobby's teenage friends hang at your place -- because you roll the best.
7. "Okay, okay! You can stay up to watch South Park. Now be a good girl and give Daddy back his Smith & Wesson."
6. Your son's junior high classmates gather 'round at lunchtime to watch you breast feed him.
5. Rather than spend money on expensive lessons, you teach little Suzy how to tap dance the old fashioned way... with a loaded revolver.
4. You keep confusing Similac with Sambuca.
3. Both the kids get pretty nervous at Thanksgiving when you ask for a moment of silence in honor of Nicole -- then reach for the carving knife.
2. "Damn, girl! There's pureed carrots in my coke spoon!"
1. "As a physician, Mrs. Spears, I must warn you: Pushing her up to a double-D cup might sell more records, but I'm not sure how much more stress that left one can handle."