Written by witness2history

Print this

Wednesday, 29 October 2008

Jonathon Ross : Hello Is that Johnny?, It's Jonathon here, Calling from London, I'll get straight to the point, I might have been sacked as a Celebrity by the BBC, let's face it the Daily Mail hates me, I think I have a good case for Wongful Dismissal it could be racially motivated, but we don't have any "Showbiz" Lawyers in England, are you interested?".

Johnny Cochrane : "Let me get this straight!", "You want me to put my impeccable reputation on on the line, and argue in a Court of Law, that you aren't thelowest form of pondscum? That man was 80 years old! Are you out of your tiny fucking mind?"

Muffled Voice : "I'll do it, what is it?".

Jonathon Ross : "The money's good?"

Johnny Cochrane : How much?"

Jonathon Ross : "Minimum Five Hundred Thousand"

Johnny Cochrane : "Five Hundred Thousand eh? Dollars or Sterling?"

Muffled Voice : "Five Hundred Thousand?, Dollars, Sterling, Euros, Roubles 'Don't give a fuck I'll do it, what is it?".

Johnny Cochrane : "Sammy, can please be quiet, I am on the phone to a good friend of mine from the British Broadcasting Corporation, sorry about that Jonathon, I'm really bust right now sorting out a deal fo OJ Simpsons' Autobiography, Thank God those accusations keep on coming, I'm afraid I'll have to pass"

Jonathon Ross : "Who is that in the background?"

Johnny Cochrane : "Oh that's just Samuel L Jackson"

Jonathon Ross : "Will he do it?"

Johnny Cocherane : "For $500,000 he'd fuck his own Grandma, ever since those Motherfucking Snakes On A Plane he hasn't worked much, he just hangs around here all the fucking time".


Andrew Sachs: "Look I'm sorry but, I'm really busy tending to my …gladioli,".

(Sachs' Granddaughter) Georgina Baillie : "Yeah Fuck Off, Oh my God, when will you get the message, what6 the Fuck do you want, WHAT?"

Samuel L Jackson : "What country you from!"

Georgina Baillie : "¿What? "

Samuel L Jackson : "¿What? " ain't no country I know! Do they speak English in "¿What? "

Georgina Baillie : "¿What? "

Samuel L Jackson : "English-motherfucker-can-you-speak-it?"

Georgina Baillie : "¿What? "

Samuel L Jackson : "Say "¿What? " again! C'mon, say "¿What? "
again! I dare ya, I double dare ya Motherfucker, say "¿What? " one more goddamn time!"

Russel Brand : "Verily, Whatsooth Yon Switch"

Samuel L Jackson : "Riiiight", "Now describe to me what Jonathon Ross looks like!"

Andrew Sachs : "Well he's... he's... white" -

Samuel L Jackson : - "Go on!"

Andrew Sachs : "...and he's... he's... floppy" -

Samuel L Jackson : - "does he look like a bitch?!"

Andrew Sachs : "Pardon?"

Samuel L Jackson : "Does-he-look-like-a-bitch?!"

Andrew Sachs : "No!, But His Fucking Wife Does!"

Samuel L Jackson : "Then why did you try to fuck 'im like a bitch?!", "Sorry, What?"

Andrew Sachs : "You heard, Fuckwit!".

Samuel L Jackson : "That Ain't In The Script"

Andrew Sachs : "You READ SCRIPTS? Anyone told them Snakes?".

Samuel L Jackson : "I don't know what to say…."

Andrew Sachs : "Oh! I'm Sorry, did I break your concentration?"

Russell Brand : "Ain't we awfully oouuuaaarrrtt of ooooorder, blinkin' nora, and begone you evil dark spirits!".

Andrew Sachs : "Well now. Look at the big brain on Russell!"," Nobody liked Charles Fuckin' Dickens!, and then you go and try to re-invent him 300 years on, originality anyone, I don't Fuckin' think so, is your hair Back-Combed or is that Dildo stuck up your arse plugged in to the mains? "

Samuel L Jackson : "I don't know what to say"

Andrew Sachs : "I don't remember asking you a Godamm thing!"
" I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those who attempt to poison and destroy my brother. And you will know my name is the Lord when I lay my vengeance upon you."

Russell Brand : "Fuck It, I've already quit, Jonathon just give him what he wants!"

Jonathon Ross : "Oh so you can speak Fucking English NOW can we?"

Ricky Gervais : "Arrghh, Help!, Just let me out of here!".

Jonathon Ross : "OOOoohh you Bastard, when you were talking shite about fucking Animals, I was right behind you and now, when the going gets tough…..What the fuck are you doiing in here anyway?"

Ricky Gervais : "There were Television Cameras!".

Jonathon Ross : "I,,,,,,,I…..Quit!".

Andrew Sachs : "That's more like it, anyone else wanna pull that ¿What? Shit?"



Now someone get me a Royal with Cheese,

Fucking metric system!"

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

If you fancy trying your hand at comedy spoof news writing, click here to join!
Print this


Go to top