Faded Spotlight Magazine Presents...
WHERE THE HECK ARE THEY NOW?
Donald Rumsfeld - He was last seen working as a Wal-Mart greeter in Twin Falls, Idaho. And on occasion he, Dick Cheney and George Bush play at GOP picnics, GOP birthday parties, and at GOP elementary school assemblies as 'The Three Lying Minstrels.'
Richard Simmons - After his last exercise DVD, entitled, "Exercising to the Songs of Boy George" only sold 14 copies he has gone into hiding somewhere up in the Yukon wilderness.
The Kinks - This popular 1970's rock band from London is busy planning a 2009 reunion tour but with their new name...The Spasms.
Harry Whittington - After being shot while bird hunting by Vice President Dick Cheney in 2006, Harry moved to Haiphong, Vietnam where he drives an ice cream truck.
Peter Cook - Christie Brinkley's ex-husband was recently seen at a Starbucks starring at his Frappuccino and saying 'Christie, please forgive me, I know she was only 18, but I was only attracted to her iPod, iPromise, iPromise, iPromise."
Ray Romano - The star of 'Everybody Loves Raymond' was seen walking around Central Park in his pajamas saying, "Nobody loves Raymond, nobody loves Raymond, nobody loves Raymond..."
Governor Mike Huckabee - He was seen standing in line at a Chipotle Grill in Pocahontas, Arkansas, telling the tortilla girl, "Hey tortilla girl, I could have been John McCain or maybe even Sarah Palin but only if I had a moose blasting fetish and wore women's clothes."
Fidel Castro - He just celebrated his 109th birthday in Havana, Cuba with an imported cigar from Virginia. 'El Presidente' reportedly blew out the candles on his birthday cake with a fire extinguisher. He is now resting peacefully at Havana's Havanageela Hank Sanchez Hospital for the Bearded.
Osama Bin Laden - He is currently staying with friends at 1716 Sand Flea Boulevard in Karachi, Pakistan.
Roger Clemens - He just basically hangs out with some old friends; Barry Bonds, Sammy Sosa, Jose Canseco, Mark McGuire, and Rafael Palmiero. They pass the time just talking about baseball things like hitting, pitching, fielding, running, throwing, lying, crying, sighing, and denying, but not steroiding.
Mike Tyson - Last seen at a tattoo shop in Yonkers, New York getting his 94th tattoo.
Connie Chung - No one has seen her.
Robin Givens - Spotted at the Zsa Zsa Gabor Mall in West Hollywood still spending the hell out of the tons of money that she got from Mike Tyson in her divorce settlement.
Heather Mills - After receiving countless millions in her divorce settlement from Sir Paul McCartney she is looking into the possibility of purchasing the country of Wales.
Yoko Ono - Who the heck is he? (JK)
Stevie Nicks - See Connie Chung. (above)
Dan Rather - He's down in his home state of Texas just sitting around waiting for the next hurricane.
(All returns must be accompanied with a receipt)