As he returned from the shops Neasden hard-man, gangster and organised crime kingpin Arthur Pewty issued the following statement as to why he did not take his glamorous wife Beryl to a Stevie Wonder gig when the megastar recently toured the UK. A tired, and quite frankly slightly drunk looking.
'It all started when my stepdaughter Cara called us to say that Stevie Wonder was appearing at the O2 Arena on Beryl's birthday and that we really ought to get tickets as we've both been Stevie fans since forever.
'Well, as everybody who knows me knows, Beryl is the sunshine of my life, and as I keep telling everybody-isn't she lovely, my proper cherie amour, I mean with me and her it really is rocket love.
'So when the phone lines and interweb things opened Beryl got on the phone and the interweb, but without success. The tickets sold out within about three minutes.
'Well, I was very superstitious about this, and getting increasingly uptight, so I just called Beryl to say I loved her and that I ain't gonna stand for it. Talk about living for the city, these people who snatched the tickets must be just living in a gangsters paradise.
'So sod Stevie Wonder. He can kiss my arse.
'It's not me that's the gangster, it's all these misstra know it alls.'
More on Arthur Pewty when he sobers up.