Arthur Pewty, alleged godfather and organised crime kingpin of Neasden this morning made a dramatic doorstep announcement.
'I went on the lash last night, drinking strong continental lager and absinthe from Barcelona. Sadly, things were said which I later came to regret. I accused citizens of the United States of America of lacking a sense of humour. I am so sorry for this incredibly stupid faux pas.
'My glamorous ex-jazz singing wife has now hidden the absinthe.
'I am now under surveillance from the FBI and the CIA, as well as the Metropolitan Police and MI6.
'Sometimes I tend to run off at the mouth, but I'm really not a crime kingpin.
'I maintain that Adam Sandler and Chris Rock are crap and not funny, but Americans such as Groucho Marx, WC Fields,and Richard Pryor remain in my mind as heroes of comedy.
'In summary, I'm sorry America. You really are the mutts nuts of global comedy.'