Steddyeddy, who has not approached Peaches Geldof to write her biography, has nevertheless taken time from his slating shedule to bring Spoof Fans an exclusive extract. If you don't want to see the result, turn away NOW!
As a 14 year old, when Bob was busy saving the world, Peaches was happy to spend the day with her granny. She used to tease her by asking questions such as "Why is 'abbreviation' such a long word?" and "Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?"
She often volunteered to make the tea, although she was forever forgetting the recipe. Things like using mugs, tea-bags, spoons and boiling water all had to be remembered in the correct order. She used to get totally frustrated when she sometimes tried it without the recipe, ending up with a teabag sitting in a kettleful of cold milk.
Peaches was very philosophical, even though she could neither spell nor pronounce it. She always said that "I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather........ not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car"
But she was a kind little girl. A kind of complete moron. She used to love cats... in fact she was convinced they tasted just like chicken.
When she got her first job as a 16-year old, before she discovered fame and the media, or unemployment as we mere mortals call it, her boss asked her to take an IQ test, and the results were negative. He said he liked her, but he wouldn't want to see her working with sub-atomic particles.
As a youngster, her Teacher asked the class one day to use the word "contagious". Anne Marie Slevin, Peaches' friend stood up and and said "last year I got the measles and mum said it was very contagious. ". Then her other friend Maire Daly got up and said " Me mammy says there is a flu going round and it is contagious". And of course little Peaches has to put her two pence worth in "Our next door neighbour is painting his house with a two inch brush and my dad Bob says it will take the contagious."
Ah those were the days.