Written by Abel Rodriguez
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Monday, 13 October 2008

image for Eva Longoria-Parker and Jackie Chan's New Restaurant - 'The El Fortune Taco' Mr. and Mrs. Tony Parker's private table at The El Fortune Taco Restaurant

BEVERLY HILLS, California - Eva Longoria-Parker and Jackie Chan have just opened up a new restaurant in Beverly Hills. The $18.8 million restaurant named The El Fortune Taco is quite unique in that it it features an extensive food menu with a combination of Mexican/Chinese cuisine.

Eva was interviewed and said, "Jackie and I first met last year at a San Antonio Spurs-Houston Rockets game. He was cheering for his good friend Yao Ming and I was cheering for my husband Tony Parker, number 20. Jackie and I just started talking about his wonderful sense of humor and my amazing beauty, I was the 1998 Miss Corpus Christi you know."

Eva flashed her radiant smile and continued, "So there we were sitting in section 3, row 4, seat 5 (me) and seat 6 (him). We were talking about Mexican bullfights and Chinese fire drills. And then we started talking about my love for Mexican food and his love for Chinese food. And we both suddenly broke out laughing because the only food that was available at the game was hot dogs, peanuts, popcorn, and excuse my language but something that they call a 'Mr. Wieny-on-a-Stick.'

Eva smiled and said, "So since we both love to eat and since both of us are basically loaded with lots, and lots, and lots of money we decided to open up a restaurant together. And instead of it being just simply a Mexican restaurant or just simply a Chinese restaurant we decided to make it different and open up a combination Mexican-Chinese restaurant.

I later looked in the Greater Los Angeles phone book and I found 7,403 Mexican restaurants, everything from The Attractive Avocado All-Night Restaurant to The Zorro Zacatecas Sit & Eat Enchilada Eatery. When Jackie looked in the phonebook he came across 5,992 Chinese restaurants from The Ancestor Ang Bu Chang Happy Hot Bamboo Hut to The Zeng Zi Top of the Bird's Nest Nook Restaurant.

Eva said, "It's kind of funny because as we sat at the game talking about our new business venture, we actually began arguing, sort of quietly at first. But then Jackie really pissed me off and I called him a bad word in Spanish and he then called me a bad word in Chinese and before we knew it we were pushing and shoving each other. And this is so embarrassing, but both Jackie and I actually ended up rolling around in the aisle like a couple of WWE wrestlers."

Longoria-Parker went on, "...and, fans that were sitting nearby began yelling and hollering and one Rocket fan, a tall skinny bitch wearing a bright red 'I Slept with Bill O'Reilly' T-Shirt ran up the steps and called one of the ushers. Well the usher didn't recognize me, especially since Jackie had pulled my San Antonio Spurs cap completely down over my eyes. And so he grabs my arm and starts walking me up the steps towards one of the arena's exit doors. Well by this time my picture is now being shown throughout the entire arena on the big JumboTron screen."

"Well everybody in the arena sees my picture and they all start hollering, clapping, whistling, and cheering since I'm sure they have all seen me on 'Desperate Housewives,' which airs Sundays on ABC, 9 pm Eastern, 8 pm Central. Well by then my cute little French hubby looked up from the court and he saw my picture and he immediately called a time-out and he actually came up into the seats and he yelled at the usher in his cute little French accent." "Hey you bozo-looking punk let go of my beautiful Mexican-American actress/model wife right now before I hit you with this regulation NBA basketball!"

The usher replied, "Yes sir, Mr. Parker." "He then quickly escorted me back to my seat. He gave me a free Diet Dr. Pepper and a bag of peanuts. He offered me his sincerest apologies and then he took the handcuffs off my wrists." Eva added, "Then my Tony went back on the court and right away he shot and made a three-pointer and I heard him say, 'Eva Baby Lips sont des mots qui vont tres bien ensemble, tres bien ensemble.' He is such a Beatles fan and a fantastic romantic. He calls me Baby Lips and I call him Tony."

Eva, aka Gabrielle Solis remarked, "Well by now it was the third quarter and damn if Jackie doesn't start arguing with me again. He told me that he wanted to name our restaurant The Jackie Chan & Eva Longoria-Parker Chinese-Mexican Restaurtant and I told him, No way in hell chop stick breath and that it would be named The Eva Longoria-Parker & Jackie Chan Mexican-Chinese Restaurant. He then stood up and yelled," "That's not gonna happen tamale breath."

"He then left to go to the men's room. When he returned he looked at me, smiled, and said," "Eva Longoria-Parker girl you are one crazy Mexican-muchacha." I smiled and said "And Jackie Chan man you are one crazy Chinese checker. We both laughed and I gave him a sip of my Diet Dr. Pepper."

Eva said proudly, "My Spurs won in overtime, with my Tony making the winning basket at the buzzer." She said that her and Jackie finally agreed that the restaurant's name would be 'The El Fortune Taco'. And it has already become a very popular eating establishement with many well-known entertainment celebrities such as Jack Nicholson, Robin Williams, Salma Hayek, Kim Kardashian, and the three Kevin's (Costner, Bacon, and Kline)."

When Eva was interviewed by Entertainment Tonight's Mary Hart, she said, "Mary I do not want people to just look at me as this sexy, sultry, sensuously delicious actress slash model, but I want them to also see me as a smooth, slick, shrewed, sophisticated, serpentine entrepreneur." Mary smiled and softly asked, "Say Eva what's with all of the S's?" And Eva replied, "Oh just ignore them and they'll go away after a while."

Jackie Chan and Eva Longoria spared no expense as evidenced by their fantastically fabulous grand opening festivities, which was televised live on CNN, MTV, VH-1, and on Mexicali, Mexico's Channel Uno. The event featured live performances by The Rolling Stones, Bob Dylan, Celine Dion, Enrique Iglesias, and Willie Nelson. Mariah Carey was originally scheduled to perform, but Eva said that she had to back out because she is allergic to Roasted Suckling Pig and Huevos Rancheros. The El Fortune Taco accepts Visa, Master Card, American Express, US Dollars, Mexican Pesos, Chinese Renminbi's, and French Francs*

*Because Tony insisted.

(Free refills on Tequila, Cerveza, Saki, and A&W Root Beer)

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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