Written by Abel Rodriguez
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Wednesday, 8 October 2008

image for The McCain-Obama Today Show Fireworks McBush & Bush (photo courtesy of Michelle Obama)

Senator's John McCain and Barack Obama appeared on The Today Show the day after their Oct. 7 debate. Here is a transcript of the interview that Matt Lauer conducted:

ML: Gentleman, welcome to The Today Show.

BO: Thank you Matt.

JM: Thank you my friend. And Matt before we go on let me just say two things; first of all, I want all your viewers to know that I was just kidding about that overhead projector crack I made during the debate. And second, I just want to ask 'that one' [POINTING TOWARDS SEN. OBAMA] if he knows what his initials spell?

ML: Ah, Senator McCain, let me ask the questions please, afterall, that is why they pay me a tremendously unbelievable amount of money...thank you. Sen. McCain, you are constantly saying that you will vote against pork barrel spending...

JM: [INTERRUPTING] That's right, and let me add that Ronald Reagan was my hero, and I promise to not only vote against pork barrel spending, I also promise to vote against chicken barrel spending, tuna fish barrel spending, and pizza barrel spending.

ML: How about beer barrel spending?

BO: [INTERRUPTING] Excuse me Matt, let me take that one. Now we all know that John's wife Cindy inherited the biggest Budweiser distributorship in the entire free world, including Milwaukee and...

JM: [INTERRUPTING] Matt, my friend, let me tell my esteemed senator from Indiana that this campaign is not about beer, it is not about distributorships, and it is certainly not about Milwaukee. My friends Teddy Roosevelt was a friend of mine...he wrote me many letters from San Juan Hill and it was difficult and extremly rough writing those letters during all that fighting but Teddy was an American hero...Teddy was a true 'rough writer.'

ML: Ah Senator McCain...Senator Obama is from Illinois.

JM: That's what I said...Idaho.

ML: Okay, let's move on. Senator Obama what is your position on tax cuts for the wealthy.?

BO: Matt, I am categorically against tax cuts for the wealthy.

ML: And Senator McCain how about you sir?

JM: Matt, I am also against tax cuts for the wealthy...but let me make one thing clear, I am for tax cuts for the rich.

BO: What?

ML: Yes, Senator McCain can you tell me what the difference between wealthy and rich is?

JM: That's a darn good question Matt.

ML: Thank you sir...did you think I got this gig because of my looks?

JM: Okay, so you want to know what the difference between wealthy and rich is. Well...to quote Senator Clinton's husband, President Billy, it all depends on what your definition of is, is...jk (just kidding), but seriously Matt I will reach across the aisle and I will explain what the difference between wealthy and rich is. Wealthy means one has lots and lots and lots of money. Rich means one has lots and lots of money.

ML: Okay moving on. Senator Obama who are you picking to make it to the NBA finals this coming season?

BO: Matt, I like the Boston Celtics in the East and the San Antonio Spurs in the West.

ML: Senator McCain, how about you?

JM: Matt, I came here to talk about Ronald Reagan, the economy, more tax cuts for Exxon-Mobil, my five decades of experience, and Budwesier Beer...I did not come here to talk about hockey teams.

ML: Senator McCain, as you probably know, I am very sensitive about my hair, or rather lack of it, but my question to you is this...and I ask this with all due respect...sir, just who the hell do you think you're fooling with that ridiculously silly-looking comb-over?

JM: Matt it's not really a comb-over...it's just that my head is way too big for my hair.

BO: Well, let me say for the record Matt, that I, Barack Obama do not have a comb-over and also for the record...in the hair department Senator McCain you ain't no Ronald Reagan.

ML: Gentleman, thank you both for taking time out from your hectic campaigning to join me.

BO: Matt, it was a pleasure.

JM: And Matt, I just want to say two things in closing. First I want to dispel that damn National Enquirer story that said that I dated Abraham Lincoln's older sister...I state for the record that I did not. Yes, I'll admit Abraham was a dear friend of mine, but I never dated his sister. And secondly, Matt, I want to just say that Sarah has shot more moose and more caribou that you, me, Dick Cheney, George Bush, the 1st Cavalry Division, and Senator Obama all put together. I'm John McCain and I approve of this message.

(The preceeding has been a paid political announcement)

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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