Written by orioncrew
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Tags: Panda

Wednesday, 8 October 2008

Newscaster 1: "In other news, Fuok Yun, that adorable female Giant Panda at the Binghamton Zoo in New York has communicated with her keepers for the first time. Using touch-screen technology developed by the Primate Research Center to communicate with bonobo chimpanzees, Fuok Yun, which means "Keeper of the Moist Accessible Flower" in Chinese, has been able to hold a conversation with her human handlers for the very first time".

Newscaster 2: "And it's what Fuok Yun has said which has sparked a nation-wide debate. Fuok Yun, who is five months pregnant after being artificially inseminated at the Binghamton Zoo, declared she wants an abortion".

Clip of zoologist: "We were all, naturally, very upset when Fuok Yun expressed her desire for an abortion. Giant Pandas are typically artificially inseminated while in captivity; mainly because it is difficult to inseminate a Giant Panda, or any bear in the wild.

Most people are under the assumption that Giant Pandas have a slow reproductive rate- which isn't true. Giant Pandas breed about as often as Brown Bears: 2 to 3 cubs in a female's lifetime. Our research indicates that Giant Panda do not reproduce in captivity because they don't like being watched by the zoologists during intercourse. It turns out they get stage-fright; which is really a shame. I've seen Giant Pandas mate in the wild, and I have to tell you: I learned a few things. Pandas may look cuddly, but they are sexual dynamos when the mood strikes them. I have a position my wife and I call 'Panda Penetration', where I bite her on the back of her neck while growling . . .

It is truly a loss for us not to bring another one of these beautiful, sexually-gifted creatures into the world".

Newscaster 2: "Protests have been held outside the Binghamton Zoo, as well as at zoos around the country."

Artificial Insemination Supporter: "Fuok Yun can get an abortion, as long as she doesn't infringe on our right to inseminate animals. I'm here supporting the human race's right to inseminate all animals. I don't see it as 'rape' as others may explain it. I see it as man playing god, and I'm ok with that. Who wouldn't want to inseminate a Giant Panda or any animal, artificially?"

Artificial Insemination Protester: "Injecting artificial semen into defenseless animals is disgusting and unnatural. Why would zoologists use artificial semen when there is so much natural semen available?"

Newscaster 1: "In related news, Hung Pao, the male Giant Panda at the Binghamton Zoo, using the same touch-screen technology; has informed his handlers that he is quite happy with the manual masturbation performed daily on him by the zoo's veterinary assistant and he is willing to contribute more if needed".

Newscaster 2: "It is truly inspiring how selfless animals can be".

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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