Inspired by the American taxpayer's eager willingness to bail out anyone having a tough time
...and deeply humbled by the American taxpayers generous willingness to commit not just his own tax dollars for the rest of his life, but also to commit his children's and grandchildren's tax dollars
...and also posthumously his grandparent's and great-grandparent's tax dollars (but not as far back as southern confederate progenitors, but only because confederate money is currently weak), the President and Congress have joyously announced several new bailout opportunities for the American taxpayer:
1. The Titanic -- Sure, it's a mile under the frigid waters of the North Atlantic ocean, but the American taxpayer's pocket is deeper than that - almost as deep as even Oprah's bathtub!
2. Kilauea Volcano in Hawaii -- Hawaii, jealous of California's many lakes, has asked the federal government, in light of the deep bailout of fiery financial institutions, to bail out all the messy lava from volcano Kilauea's crater. "We'll have a lake deeper than Lake Tahoe!" declared King Komewhatmayuhmayuh XXOOVII
3. The Mariana Trench -- The deepest area of the ocean… Will require minor Dept. of Navy consultation.