Written by PP Rega

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Sunday, 5 October 2008

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Now that the Somali pirates have become more and more audacious in their hijacking endeavors, it was only a matter of time before they became the much-sought-after "darlings" of global news media personalities. So far, these pirates have captured ships, tanks, and a gaggle of the latest Jolie-Pitt adoptees.

One of the most charismatic and daring of these pirates is Abdul 'The Seahawk' Kissamabutt. It is said that this 42-year-old is responsible for 28 acts of piracy and has amassed a $32 million fortune, most of which is secure in the Banc de Suisse in Geneva. For the first time, Mr. Kissamabutt has consented to a telephonic interview on board of his latest hijacking, The Good Ship Lollipop, by the eminent and decaying Larry King of CNN.

Here is an edited copy of the transcript:

Larry King: So you're the pirate who hijacked all ships, ay?

Abdul: You betcha!

Larry King: Why?

Abdul: As a protest for all the injustices that have been meted out to my people around the world.

Larry King: What people?

Abdul: Freedom-fighters, iconoclasts, and Oliver Stone fans.

Larry King: You're very articulate for a pirate, Abdul. I can call you "Abdul", can't I?

Abdul: You may call me "Abdul," as long as I can call you "Old Man with the Pissant Putz."

Larry King: Anyway, Mr. Kissamabutt, where did you receive your education?

Abdul: Oxford, Harvard, and the Sorbonne. I have degrees in Business, Economics, and Sailing.

Larry King: Do you have a "Skull and Crossbones" on your flag?

Abdul: C-mon, Larry. That went out with Errol Flynn.

Larry King: What about peglegs? Do you have any fellow pirates with peglegs?

Abdul: You mean like Long John Silver?

Larry King: Exactly!

Abdul: We're an equal opportunity organization. We don't discriminate whatsoever. We hire amputees, one-eyed swordmen, and parrot-loving seafarers.

Larry King: What about planks? Do you make anybody walk the plank?

Abdul: Plank? Oh, you mean execute them.

Larry King: Yes, execute.

Abdul: We just cut off their heads with a very dull sword and drop them in the ocean. But we're going to have to stop that soon.

Larry King: Why?

Abdul: Because the EPA says we're polluting.

Larry King: How about family. Do you and your crew have wives and kids?

Abdul: Of course. We're not savages. We're very family-oriented. By the way, can you see if I can get a Johnny Depp autograph? It's...it's for my kids.

Larry King: Before we cut to commercial, do you sleep in the nude?

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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