Scientists in the north of Scotland have today warned householders, also in the north, to properly dispose of all household waste this summer, writes Jeremy Tax-Haven.
The plea comes in a bid to stamp out an ever increasing, giant cockroach infestation. An epidemic which seems to plague towns and cities across the country during the hot, summer months.
It has been claimed that a new strain of bacteria, found only in household waste, is being ingested by normal, run-of-the-mill, pet cockroaches. However, due to the unique genetic structure of the Roach, the bacteria reacts angrily, resulting in the normal, run-of-the-mill, pet cockroaches growing at an alarming rate.
"The bacteria reacts angrily, resulting in the normal, run-of-the-mill, pet cockroaches growing at an alarming rate." said one scientist.
"I agree," said another.
It is widely accepted that the 'roaches are responsible for an array of horrific deaths, and an untold number of missing person reports, currently being investigated somewhere in Scotland, probably near the middle.
It has also been claimed, on the grapevine, that an Anglo-Saxon family of 12 had been eaten,digested then regurgitated by the not-so-wee beasties, as well as an entire street suddenly vanishing without trace.
The local constabulary, when contacted, explained that they could not answer any questions regarding the case as they had no answers to give.
"Och, it's just a wee problem with a few over-sized bugs, we've all had 'em. Besides, anyone daft enough to keep 'roaches as pets deserves to be eaten." one copper might've said.
A special helpline has been installed for hysterical Scots and can be found by contacting someone who knows the number.