14.24 - Sarah Brown takes the podium to a standing ovation minutes before her husband is due to speak. She explains that Gordon is not well and won't be able to come into conference today. She tells the faithful that he has an upset stomach and a headache.
14.31 - The hubbub in the conference hall is getting out of hand, so Jack Straw jumps on stage to lead a rendition of the Red Flag and tells a few "how many Tories does it take to change a light bulb" jokes.
14.42 - BBC political editor Nick Robinson goes for a slash in the toilets and decides to have a sit down wee. He hears a deranged Scotsman whispering down a mobile phone in the next cubicle, and peers over the top to investigate. Recognising the prime minister, he quietly ushers in a BBC camera crew. Gordon Brown is caught out on the loo, and announces on live TV that his guts are much better and he will be making the speech at 3pm, after couple of whiskies and a heavy dose of Imodium.
14.54 - A man fitting Brown's description is seen hailing a taxi in front of the conference centre. He is heard to mutter "fucking this fucking shit" as he climbs into the back of a people carrier.
15.00 - As the delegates await their leader, the cabinet are seen standing round in groups and making endless calls on their mobiles. Sarah Brown is in tears at the bar.
15.11 - Fights break out in the audience as boredom becomes unbearable. Violence spreads to ministers - Des Browne seen at the wrong end of a Hazel Blears flying kick, while Ed Miliband head butts his brother.
15.16 - The BBC has scrambled a helicopter and is tracking the Prime Minister's taxi which appears to be heading north. Live coverage is streamed into the conference hall, as ambulance crews tend to the wounded.
15.34 - Eventually the PM's taxi is stopped by police for speeding, a camera crew in tow. PM is cornered and decides to give an impromptu speech on the hard shoulder of the M66. After several minutes of indecipherable rambling and expletives, he jumps over the crash barrier and is last seen running across a field towards some trees.