Written by Gulo_Gulo
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Saturday, 20 September 2008

image for Diary of a Telepathic Sasquatch: written by a demon. Bigfoot or Longfellows?

Day one - Dear Diary,

Ahhhrrrrrrg.Lets get started. Start writing to me what I sense you because I do not know how to write. Although this is my diary, I will not be able to read it when you are done writing it either. That's right, I am illiterate, duh! You ever meet an ape that wasn't? I have never had a need for literacy til now, so although I appreciate your help with this, you'll have to aim that evil eye elsewhere. After all I'm not human you know. Some day, perhaps when I feel better, I might have you read it back to me but what is important to me right now is that I get what I am sensing off my chest without burdening others of my kind and this is the only way I can think to do it if what you say is true. Since I am doing this only to benefit my psyche, I am not going to explain things that you write here that a human may not understand because I don't want any human ever reading this and you are the only one who may ever read this and only to me. Bear with me because this is probably the hardest thing I have ever done. Do you have any inkling of what it's like to be a celebrity, a legend? I doubt that you or even any human can even imagine what I go through. I am known all over the world, have been seen in probably every country known to man, and yet no human knows me. Nobody, of any culture would hug me if they saw me, or offer me a hit.......what the ...... not hit, I said meal, meal, meal.

How'd that happen? Oh,well must be a telepathic glitch. Now sense me carefully OK.

Where was I, oh I am known around the world but anyone who has heard of me is either scared of me or doesn't believe I exist. Some kind of fame, eh. Some times I just feel like I need a fix.........what?.....fix? whats that? I said vacation, va - ca - tion. You sure you're OK. Now come on I need to do this right. Stop with the quirks, you sense me? OK Listen.

I thought when I heard they found one of my kind and had it in a freezer, finally I could come out of the closet....Closet? Closet? CLOSET!!! ? I said WOODS you Neanderthal, woods WOODS, WOODS!!, get it! Come out of the woods! Get it down there Right!! You sense me! ...........................................You're making me sound like a gay, dope addict Bigfoot. Let me tell you there ain't no such thing anywhere on earth as a gay druggie Sasquatch and if there were, Bigfoot would have been discovered a long time ago. Now get it right !!! I am getting more depressed here. Sigh...sigh. OK Pull it together big boy. . . .Hmmmmmmmmmmmmm grmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmph

I was saying, after they found the bigfoot and put him in a freezer, no more hiding and running, story tellin celebrity, real celebrity would be mine! Well I can't take the roller coaster ride no more, I just cain't do it. It was a hoax, them neanderthal rednecks just had to do me in one more time. A costume! In a freezer!! Those idiots! I want to be found!! Please let it happen oh father in hollywood, deliver me the fame you promised, not this longfellow crap.

What ? Yeah that's right longfellow is what I sensed, get it down now. You got it right this time. Keep goin. What? Didn't you ever hear that saying? You know it? "I'm a poet but nobody knowed it, til my feet showed it, they's longfellows".... longfellows, big feet, Bigfoot, sasquatch, get it. OHhh misery. Those humans! They don't know pain like I know pain.

What! Me human?

Yeh, well I may look sorta human but I'm far from a human. You want ta know what I am? I'll tell you what I am, I'll tell you why I can't read nor write. Keep writing now. You want to hear about my childhood. What's a childhood? I tell you I had none! You see when a human is conceived it is a human being (you bet half the women in the world don't want to believe that, Neanderthals). But it is true. From conception the human cells, the embryo, the fetus in the womb knows who it is and why it is being birthed on earth, its purpose, its destiny. This is a secret kept from the human race because it all fades from the baby's consciousness as they approach birthing. And from conception they are telepathic in the womb, but only if they are activated by another telepath outside the womb. When a baby is 4 months old my father in Hollywood abducts the mother and secretly removes the fetus, placenta and all placing it in a biological incubator which is it's surrogate mother for two years providing nourishment and growth until birth....the birth of a sasquatch. Yes I was part human, but that part is long gone. I was 6 feet tall when I was birthed and my feet half as big as they are now. Most of my hair was a foot long at birth, of course all over my body, by age 5, I was an adult, 10 feet tall and well you've read the descriptions I'm sure. Yeah, well our hair shrinks and our feet grow bigger after adulthood is reached as once adult we no longer need food. Our digestive system atrophies slowly and we get our sustenance from the air we breath and the minerals and nourishment absorbed from cafeteria earth......by our big bare feet. Yeah that's right, big feet for big apetite. We are the original breathairians but don't think for a minute life is all that! Putrification of our digestive system as it atrophies, causes odorous gases to emit from both ends. We have to tramp through the swamps barefoot to stay alive. It's no wonder we smell like a monkey covered in porcupine poop eating dragon milk (yeah eating's the word, you can't drink dragon milk, you of all... whatever....should know that), geeeees I don't know if this is helping! I need to stop. The memories are coming back from no childhood, I can't bear it.

Day two, Dear Diary

I don't really want to remember where we left off. OK, OK, OK I'll try. I'll go on. Yeah, yeah. How does my father in hollywood find the pregnant women? I don't know, but I do know that when he finds one he communicates telepathically with the fetus. Yes, and remember I told you the fetus knows its destiny?. Well, the father offers it celebrity and when he finds a fetus who wants what he offers, well then it begins. After the fetus is removed the mother is euthanized. My mother was euthanized .....hoooooowwwwwwwwlllllllllI' the pain of it all. Well that's how it begins, the creation of a legend, an ancient giant being of renown, another cryptomundo monster that spends its adult life living in caves or sleeping in a nest of leaves and branches 80 feet up in a tree, wading through swamps, hiding and waiting, waiting, waiting for the day the father in hollywood says, now you are a real celebrity, no longer a child of the wilderness.

Child! CHILD! he says! What kind of childhood is that I spoke of, 3 years? Its like I was born at 18 and in three years I'm 40. What a crock, I want to go sledding, play nintendo (or Atari anyway), grow up with a boy's best friend, his frog, play and make a mess I can watch later on Americas Funniest Videos some day, surf the net for crack..................................OK ........you're doing it again........ do I have to get another demon to do this......................I said surf the net for PORN...not crack, you imbecile. Do you sense that? Really, you'd better sense it cause I am starting to feel better, and then if this works like you said it will, getting my sensing all down in writing, and I can move on with my life, guess what buddy, you won't be needed anymore and ... and......my life, my l i f e s u c k s and nobody needs meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee, I want myyyyyyyy mommmmmmmyyyyyyyyyyy sob sob sob sob sob sob ...

Day three, Dear Diary,

Well the illiterate, psychotic, telepathic, smelly, stinky, putrifying, durioniferous (I miss him already), giant hairy ape with poetic feet didn't show today, thank God (oops) excuse me.

This "celebrity" is a loser. You know those sensing glitches weren't glitches or you being cutesy. I got the same thoughts you got.

I know, I know, and what about that longfellow poetry crap!

Yeah, we got us a psycho crackhead, dorian Bigfoot with one more than two longfellows. If he was a human I'd be impressed! But I'm outa here!

Luci, wait up, there are more in Tibet. These are really cool.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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