Written by Midgetgems
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Wednesday, 27 August 2008

image for The lure of erratic films Pile dancers feature heavily in erratic films

Tarquin Splint is Britain's most successful maker of erratic films to date. In 2001 he spotted a gap in the market and began casting for his first blockbuster 'Actinit', the story of the ill-fated White Stag loner who crashed into an iceberg lettuce and was drowsed.

His reward was a place in the anals of cinema history and at his home in Beverley, I caught up with him to ask about his latest offering, 'Parties of the Caribbean'

MG: Tarquin, there you are. Why were you running away?
TS: I don't like being lapelled by the press
MG: You mean labelled?
TS: No,I mean collared. You here to talk about my latest project?
MG: Yes, Parties of the Caribbean. Who would you say are the biggest stars of the erratic genre and are they going to be in it?
TS: I'm in the business of making stars honey, you wanna be in it? I can get you a bleeding role.
MG: Well, what's it about?
TS: About? About? You mean you haven't read the script?
MG: No.
TS: Shame, I was hoping you might be able to give me a clue. Seriously, people often ask me that but I like to get creative on set and go with the flaw. That's the essence of my rat. What you people call, the zitgeist.
MG: So 'Parties' is …
TS: Parties is everything that other one was.
MG: Pirates?
TS: No, Eternal Moonshine of the Spitless Kind, I like to kinda rip off as much as I can. It has all the same things, the fighting, the wrecks, the crappy ending.
MG: So we can look forward to another masterpiece of contemporary art … rat.
TS: Yeah, yeah, sure. Now if you'll excuse me I have to go to work, I'm a very busty man.

Parties of the Caribbean premieres next August and looks set to slash box office records.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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