I know that you are mostly a sex advice columnist but I will share my romantic problem with you in the hope that sex and romance may somehow be connected. I am deeply attracted to a beautiful young woman. It seems that whenever I draw near and try to show her how much I am enamored with her it just draws rivals as if from out of the wood work. If I ignore her, the other suitors seem to lose interest. Can you advise? Surrounded by Other Suitors
Dear SOS, Since sex has not had an relations with romance since the publication of the 1960's Masters and Johnson's master- Johnson -piece, The Plumber's Guide to Plumbing the Depths of Her Cootch, at first I thought that I had nothing to tell you. But after a sleepless night from an orgy hangover, I found myself paging through the latest issue of Current Ichthyologist. A scintillating article on the male Atlantic Mollie reminded me of your dilemma. You see what happens to you also seems to be a constant problem for the Atlantic male Mollie.
When a mollie shows avid interest in a mate, all the other male mollies go ape shit over her too! The clever strategy that these tiny brained fish have developed that seems to have evaded you, SOS is to use deception. The male fakes interest in a less than hot female mollie. The imitating suitors flock, er, school, er swim around the dogfish and the cunning mollie gives them the slip to woo his hot mollie mama. Try it SOS and tell me if you succeeded in plumbing the depths of her cootch...