Written by Monkey Woods
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Tags: Murder

Friday, 15 August 2008

image for Have YOU Ever Thought About Cutting Someone's Head Off? S-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s. CHOPPY-CHOPPY!

Well, have you? Never? Oh, come on! There must have been a time when someone pushed you to the limits, wound you up so much that you felt like you just couldn't take any more of it - what about then? Couldn't you have taken an axe to their head or, better still, sliced it off with a diver's scabbard?

Yes, that's it! You're remembering now, aren't you?

The recent case of the guy who sliced off the head of a fellow passenger on board a bus in Canada made me think about just how annoying travelling on public transport can be. Vince Weiguang Li his name was, and Christ, did he have a temper! Passenger Tim McLean didn't stand much of a chance once old Vince got around to complaining about the young lad's incessant s-s-s-s-s-s-s of his 'personal' stereo!

Not 'personal' though are they? You can hear them clearly, but not the song - just the annoying s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s! No amount of filthy sideways glances as warnings of your intent seem to do any good. Oblivious, or worse, smug, they turn the volume up and sing along, goading you. Well then...

I often travel on public buses and experience the delights of the non-conformist members of society. Music on their phones, just so 80-year-old grannies can get irate (for what other reason could there be for playing deafening Smurf music!?), leering at other passengers and slouching over a double seat with tired, standing workers who have recently finished their shifts, just wishing they could use that seat. What a bunch of retards these non-conformists are!

So, anyway, this is when I usually get all 'Charles Bronson'. I play it in my mind. Don't worry too much about the others on the bus, for surely, we are all of one mind and everyone wants the same thing. No need for stealth or creeping either, just a quick slash of the neck will disable the 'victim' enough for me to get busy fileting.

Once we've got some nice chops, we can get the driver to open the bus doors and get rid of the carcass. This might entail a 'trip to the country' or some other isolated spot, and would most likely make everyone on the bus late home for tea, but every cloud has a silver lining, and one less bonehead on the bus is a silver lining for everyone!

The other afternoon, as I was travelling back from Walsall on a single-decker bus, a young Indian lad and his girlfriend were sat in front of me. They were 'all over' each other, not just like innocent young lovers, but really 'acting it out' for anyone whose eyes fell upon them. It was hard not to notice them, as they were sitting, or rather, laying, at the front of the vehicle, near the driver.

The lad was slurping his way all over her shoulders, up her arms, and all across her face, in a way that I am sure is non-traditional for Indians, whatever their religious persuasion. He was clearly showing off, and, once again, I felt my cleaver arm twitching.

So, what I'm saying is, let's have a round of applause for the single-minded individuals in society who take a determined stance against the crap on the streets, on the buses, IN OUR LIVES, who we don't need there. It's odds-on these same wasters are also unemployed, drug-takers, crims or crims-in-waiting, and would also just as soon axe you to death if they got half the chance. You're just getting ahead of the game, that's all.

It's what's known in warfare as, a Pre-emptive strike.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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