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Monday, 21 July 2008

image for The Gore Saga, a New Biography

Tennessee Times, July 2008: A new unauthorized biography of Al Gore will hit the bookstores next month. It chronicles the Gore family history from the time the Patriarch Alphonsis Gorelescu left Europe and came to America, to his modern day heirs. Here is the frontispiece summary of this 3211 page coffee table book.

1853: Alphonsis Gorelescu leaves his beloved Rumania to immigrate to America and seek his fortune. After landing in New York City penniless, he works at menial jobs fit for immigrants and saves money to migrate west. He changes his name to Alphon Gore.

1857: Alphon buys a horse and wagon from an out of work snake oil salesman and travels west. He again runs out of money in Tennessee, but continues to sell left over snake oil and adds "White Lightning" to his stock of merchandise that "cures-all ills".

1900: AG Mercantile becomes the largest department store chain in Tennessee. Alphon Jr. takes over the running of the enterprise. Grandson Arlen Gore refuses to go into the family business and runs away to Europe to visit the ancestral home.

1910: Arlen returns from Europe and establishes The Magnetic Warming Company, manufacturers of fake electrical medical equipment (listed in the 1910 Sears Roebuck Catalog) that "cures-all ills."

1941: MWC Electronics becomes the second largest manufacturer of Magnetrons (Raytheon Co. being number one) for the US Army's Radar programs. Arlen's son Alex Gore enlists in the Navy and after the war returns to manage the business with his sister Alexandria (almost identical twins).

1953: Alexandria's son Abe forms the Global Aluminum Siding Company, installers of Aluminum siding, that is promoted as a "cures-all ills" product for any home owner of the 1950's who has high heating bills. Abe's son, known as "Honest Abe Jr." goes into the family business until declaring bankruptcy, due to the invention of Vinyl siding, on black Friday in October 1989.

2004: Abe's grandson Al Gore invents the Internet and Goretex, receives the Nobowel prize and then establishes Global Warming Inc. Al becomes CEO and Chairman of the Board of this "cures-all ills" endeavor. His executive perks include carbon offsets for the company's private jets and limousines. Alphon's spirit of selling snake oil continues to live on!

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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