Written by Morse
Rating:

Share/Bookmark
Print this

Sunday, 20 July 2008

FROM: MORSE
Special Agent, 525 MI Group, RVN, United Sates Army (ret)

SUBJECT: Mushy Pea Incident/Hazardous Waste Threat

THREAT LEVEL: Elevated to DISGUSTING (Code Yellow/Green)

At 2100 hours on 7 January, 2007, this Agent was charged with investigating the above referenced incident. The following investigation and findings are deemed TOP SECRET due to the sensitive subject and the stated desire to maintain cordial relations with our cousins across the sea.

SUSPECT: (name suppressed till charged)

PROFILE: Claiming to be retired, SUSPECT resides in a quiet southeastern state of the colonies, noted for its hot-blooded advocation to create discord and espouse revolution.
SUSPECT professes no ax to grind, or political affiliations, but is an avid and outspoken participant in the government unauthorized forum known as Cruise Critic (CC).
SUSPECT has travelled by ocean liner extensively in the past and has recently rediscovered her affinity and love of the sea, and one liner in particular, notably The Queen Mary 2.(QM2) In her efforts to relive the past, SUSPECT has become immersed in all things even remotely connected with the Cunard name , and most especially with the QM2, rebuffing any effort by kindly chaps to redirect her attention to the more mundane events of daily living(such as cooking, cleaning and walking the dog) (ed.note)

INCIDENT: During a recent dreary and rainy spell, which reminded her of the coast of England, and more specifically, Plymouth, SUSPECT decided to relive a recent experience in The Golden Lion on board the QM2, and prepare a repast of "Mushy Peas" to enjoy while sitting before the hearth with a special laptop table with linen soaked to prevent the plate from sliding off during the pitching and rolling of the imagined storm during "THE CROSSING' . Her husband, recently referred to as The Cabin Steward, and more familiarly as "BOY" was dispatched to set up the serving table.

RESULT: Through painstaking investigation, interviews and forensic reconstruction, the following scenario appears to be the best estimation of events leading up to the incident and the aftermath: After viewing photos of an upside down chocolate concoction filled with runny goo, and decorated with colored drizzle, whipped cream and kippers that she recently photographed on the QM2, and created by a creature with the pseudonym "Todd English", she asked her husband where all the pots were in the galley, and reread the directions to operate the electric range and the micro wave oven.

Setting about her task, SUSPECT proceeded to concoct her version of MUSHY PEAS without benefit of direction or recipe. Mindless of any clean up efforts , SUSPECT spent 3 hours in preparation and 5 hours of slow simmering time to complete the project.

At 1800 hours, ringing a miniature recreation of the QM2 bell, CREW were summoned to the MESS TABLE, including the dog that was dispatched under the table.

Using a sanitized garden trowel, SUSPECT doled out a more than sufficient portion for each member of the stricken family.( Luckily the dog had already eaten his dinner and expelled same.(which bore a remarkable resemblance to the aforementioned repast (ed.Note)

Finding the meal mostly uneatable and unappetizing, but morbidly photogenic, all participants decided to sup on the creation for ONLY two days. Real fear emerged when SUBJECT recalled sitting in The Golden Lion during the trivia contest finding herself unable to answer the question of "how far can one blow a marshmellow out of one's nose". (I AM NOT MAKING THIS UP!) (ed. note). Fearing for her life, since SUBJECT is prone to sneezing fits, and "The Boy" not knowledgeable of the Heimlich maneuver concerning expelling mushy peas through one's nostrils, it was decided to begin an abatement process for the Mushy Peas.

Upon researching the subject on Google, SUSPECT found that due to government regulations the local Hazardous Waste( HAZMAT) Unit, the Department of Environmental Protection (DEP), and the county waste management office would all have to be contacted for clearance in order to dispose of the creation. Due to alert intervention by a civil service clerk, the situation came to the attention of Military Intelligence and the current investigation , as described, commenced.

After a full forensic test of the offending substance, it is noted that the Central Intelligence Agency (CIA) had an intense interest in the discovery and has taken full responsibility for the removal, storage and further testing of the item under the guise of National Security. It seems that once frozen, and then carved into reproductions of famous 3rd world figures,currently deemed "undesirable" ,it can be reconstituted in hot water, eaten during a religious ceremony, and then cause extreme flatulence resulting in an explosion greater than 6 ounces of C4. The resulting effects, known as "when the peas hit the fan" in GI slang, will once again enable the world to return to sanity , universal love, and sea going good well for all. For all the bad guys, all we can say in the colonies is "Have a Good Day!"

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

If you fancy trying your hand at comedy spoof news writing, click here to join!
Print this

More by this writer

View Story
View Story
View Story
View Story
View Story
View Story

Share/Bookmark

76 readers are online right now!

Go to top