Written by William Hale
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Friday, 11 July 2008

STRIKE LOOMS

The Screen Actors Guild rejected the latest contract offer from Hollywood studios on Thursday making an actor's strike almost inevitable. Many people involved wondered why the strike couldn't have taken place before "The Love Guru" and "Baby Mama" were made.


PICS FOR SALE

Brad an Angelina were offered $16million for the first photo of their new twins. The couple's agent said they will accept the offer in order to offset the cost of the $16 million spent on buying their other kids.


BAD XXX HABIT

Peter Cook, Christie Brinkley's new ex-husband, admitted during divorce proceedings, he spent more than $3,000 a month on porn. That is truly disgusting. I mean, doesn't he know porn is FREE on the internet?


FINALLY ABSOLVED

Prosecutors say new DNA test evidence finally clears JonBenet Ramsey's family more than ten years after her death. Police said they would have tried to solve the case sooner, but there was an increase in jaywalking throughout the city that had to be stopped.


BUSH HAS A B-DAY

President Bush turned 62 over the weekend. It must tear him up on the inside to be twice as old as his approval rating.


THE LADY DOTH PROTEST TOO MUCH

A woman, her sister and four kids were kicked off a Southwest flight on Tuesday after they were deemed by the airline to be "unruly." It turns out, the passengers became upset when they found out only the pilots get alcohol for free.


PUFF PUFF PASS

According to a recent study, almost half of all Americans have smoked pot. The study also shows the number 1 activity of these Americans is driving home late at night, at 20 mph, on the freeway, and pulling over every 10 minutes because they thought the taxi cab behind them was a police car.


THE GOVERNATOR SAYS "I'LL BE BACK!"

Arnold Schwarzenegger's apologized for his lowest approval ratings as California Governor saying he will turn it around. No word yet as to whether he'll apologize for "Kindergarten Cop," "Twins," and "Jingle All The way."


1-900-MISTAKE

The Family Health Administration in Annapolis MD , made a huge error by mistakenly publishing a sex hotline phone number instead of it's own job hotline number on it's website. Officials began to notice when more and more people were showing up to give sperm instead of blood.


THE NEW BARTER SYSTEM

In Fort Wright , Kentucky , police caught prostitutes in a sting, selling their bodies for gas cards. Wow, so now I guess you can get screwed twice at the pump.

Police became suspicious after noticing one prostitute's slogan, "Ass, Gas, or Grass! Because NO ONE rides for free!"


CHAMP AGAIN

Joey Chestnut achieved hot dog immortality on July 4th, out-eating Japanese rival Kobiyashi in the annual Nathan's Hot Dog Eating Contest. Chestnut downed so many wieners, he also received the "Paris Hilton Award."


IT'S A GIRL!!!

Thomas Beatie, the so-called "pregnant man," gave birth Sunday to a healthy baby girl. I'm going to assume this baby will probably be bottle fed.


William Hale - Comedy Writer/On Air Personality

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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