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Thursday, 10 July 2008

image for Doktor Helmut Vildebeests Guide to Relationships, Part Two Ze Vildebeest-Blunderbusse Institute

Guten Tag students and patients. Velcome back to ze column vere you learn all about ze sexual relationships und how to start zem and keep zem. Our research continues deep in ze sviss alps at ze Vildebeest-Blunderbusse Institute, so let us continue vith some more good advice.

Once you haf set your sights on ze person to whom you feel attracted, it iz important to proceed with extreme caution. As soon as possible after meeting you must perform ze Vildebeest-Blunderbusse Spittle Attraction Test. Simply get your potential love mate to spit into ze special Vildebeest-Blunderbusse enzyme primed test tubelet. Zees are available only by mail order directly from ze Vildebeest-Blunderbusse Institute. Just send un stamped, self addressed envelope, together vith un signed blank cheque, to ze address below und ve vill dispatch you ze kit. Just get your potential love mate to fill ze tube to ze 100ml mark vith their spittle, zen fill to ze 300ml mark vith your own spittle, seal ze tube tightly und post back to us.

Vithin three und a half veeks ve vill be able to reliably predict vether you und your potential love mate vill share a life of blissful happiness, or un life of mututal loathing accompanied by ze flying household appliances.

If you spittle score iz good, it iz imperitive zat you only proceed once you are familiar vith ze first seven steps of ze Vildebeest-Blunderbusse Relationship Commencement Law. You vill need to purchase your own copy of zis heavy, scientifically renowned volume, but ze steps are summarised below:

Step One: Assessment of financial worth.
Step Two: Assessment of physical merit.
Step Three: Assessment of overal tolerance utilising ze furry yet noisy pet apparatus.
Step Four: Assessment of dental health.
Step Five: Assessment of mental strength using ze 'Cheating at Scrabble' test.
Step Six: Assessment of ze sexual stamina after eleven shots of ze schnapps.
Step Seven: Assessment of Rage Quotient by ze constant singing of ze song 'Ze Gambler' by Kenny Rogers.

Once you haf satisfactorily completed ze steven steps it vill be time to covertly move your belongings into your potential love partner's house. Doktor Vildebeest vill assist you vith more advice on zis next time. Auf weidersein.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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