Written by Armedus Chunsky
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Friday, 4 July 2008

image for Bill O'Reilly: War on Independence Day

Welcome to the No Spin Zone!

As you already know, Christmas has been under attack in this country. I have evidence of at least seven recorded anti-Christmas incidents in total. How can Christmas survive that kind of vicious assault? But what is more disturbing is an attack on America. That's right people, America is under attack on Independence Day by those insisting on calling it the Fourth of July. These people consider our nation's independence worthless, and give signs to our enemies that we are weak.

Now some people may ask, "Bill, what is the difference between calling it Independence Day and the Fourth of July? Well, morons, it is because if we just repeat the date Fourth of July over and over again, people may forever forget about the holiday they are celebrating on that day. I ominously envision a day when our children will not know what happened on that day in 1776. This is not just another day on the calendar, people. It is a day where you meet up with your heterosexual friends and family and enjoy fireworks, barbecues, and mock those who you consider to be unpatriotic citizens. And I do not want to see any gays participating in Independence Day parades - they have their own parade, for God's sake! And all fireworks must only be in red, white and blue on Independence Day. If the fireworks come in all the colors of the rainbow, the gays willwin! In fact, we can use these fireworks to protect us when this country goes bankrupt from the deficit. Take that, liberal tax-monkeys!

We could not have ever enjoyed this day if Americans, completely on their own without any help from the French or Indians, had not defeated the British. What can I say, you can't lose with home field advantage. Now imagine if the terrorists win on the day when Barack Obama is sworn into the office of the presidency, which of course is just hypothetical. I mean, if Paul "W. To-Be" Revered warned the traitors of the danger that Iraq posed back in the 1700s, we would all be living under Saddam Hussein's rules. Hey, that does not sound like such a bad idea! I would run Iraq like Saddam ran it. Remember what happened when we stabilized this country through fraudulent elections. Sometimes you have to eliminate democracy in order to preserve it.

Speaking of securing democracy, now is not the time for Al Gore to release a documentary about Global Whining. Sure, the earth is heating up, but it has in the past. Don't worry, once I retire and stop spewing out hot air, the earth will cool immediately. So grill your burgers on the hood of your hummer while running over anti-war protestors and Green Peace activists. Those who speak their minds need to learn what true freedom is all about. That's why I only walk the Administration's line. Let's just say I don't lean to the left or right.

And now for the talking points memo. Some people just don't get it. Freedom is Bush's freedom to do whatever he wants, whether he wants to spy on us, ban gay people's freedom or put the Ten Commandments in a high school cafeteria. Isn't it convenient when we just let our leaders think for us? It's what our founding fathers envisioned for our country. Who cares what Martin Luther King Jr., Susan B. Anthony, John Muir, Rosa Parks or Cesar Chavez envisioned for our country? They were not leaders sold by the elites to the American people in order to promote a careless and utterly reckless agenda. In other words, they did not appreciate American democracy. It's not like nations evolve over time: they stay steady like earth's temperature. So Mr. Gore, you can call for our independence from gas guzzlers, greenhouse gases, natural disasters and tobacco on the Fourth of July if you wish, but remember, you are just emboldening the terrorists with your anti-American bias.

So what if blacks and women got the right to vote? When Rosa Parks died, Fox News could not have cared less, having the least amount of coverage of her funeral of any other mainstream television news station. We felt that she would be better remembered if she was not. Anyway, women and black folks never turn out to vote. It's almost like they take their right to vote for granted: ungrateful losers. Just like those losers in New Orleans who did not use their independence to evacuate the city. Some people just don't love freedom.

Instead of blaming politicians for not appealing to the average American, I blame voter apathy. Ninety eight of the people of Iraq turned out to vote for Saddam Hussein, yet another reason why we need to impose Saddam's rules on America. The American people survived Bill Clinton's presidency and, for this reason, they should be more than pleased to embrace Saddam Hussein's rules of governance.

So all you veggie burger flip-flopping, Saddam-hating pansies - stay away from my barbecue grill, manufactured and China and shipped in through the port of Long Beach. I am sure it was inspected for illegal material. Now if you don't mind, I need to get back to Bush's barbecue: I hear he is grilling up our Constitution. Mmmm, mmmm. Let's just hope our glorious leader does not get grilled for it by the so-called freedom lovers who are burning their flags. Hey, hippies, it's not red, white and black: Manifest Destiny and slavery made sure of that. If you ask me, the indigenous peoples do not deserve independence.

And these same indigenous people don't even have faith in America's freedom. Hey, if they can't accept that America is the promised land, than they should get out! And just who invited the blacks over here: the migrant workers? So eat your freedom burgers, truth tomatoes and liberty lettuce, and do not think about who picked that food. It's better if you don't know: it's just an inconvenient truth in a world of convenience stores. On Independence Day, celebrate your independence by opposing a gay person's right to marry, spying on your next door neighbor, arresting anti-war protestors and by supporting tax cuts for the top one percent: cuts that will never reach your hands. It is your plutocratic duty.

And that's the memo.

We'll be right back.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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