Written by jailhouselawyer
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Saturday, 28 June 2008

Evening all. I'm PC Dixon of Dock Green. I suppose it all started last year when I went on my holiday to a quiet fishing village in Portugal called Praia da Luz. Roughly translated it means Beach of The Blue Lamp. As you know, my real name is Jack Warner, and my brother Mark Warner, owns a holiday complex in Praia da Luz, and as the holiday season hadn't really got under way in May, he let me stay for free by the sea.

At the time and place and date stated, I was munching a sardine sandwich in the Tapas bar. There was a quiz going on, and in spite of the noise from the 9 people sat at the next table I could just about hear the questions, and was doing quite well. That is, until the last question, "Where's Madeleine?", only those sat at the next table knew the answer to that. I eyed up the cute blonde cuddling the cat.

It appeared that Madeleine was missing from Apartment 5A. The parents were claiming that they had left 3 young children under 4 years of age Home Alone. I joined the search teams but I couldn't find the parents, during this time they were home alone.

Now, I'm just an old fashioned plod on the beat. However, I know my history and have read about the great Portuguese detective Cristóvão Colombo who sailed across the ocean and found America. Perhaps he could find this little girl?

According to the McCanns, Madeleine was abducted. And, on the night in question, a witness called Jane Tanner claimed she saw a man with a bundle in his arms. "I've got a theory about that", Colombo told me, "I always wear this grubby mac. But, on that night I spilt coffee down it, and took it off and bundled it in my arms to take it down to the laundry".

We discussed the case for awhile, and just when I thought he was wandering off track, he said: "There's just one thing that bothers me, sir". I liked his overly polite manner. "And what is that?", I asked. "The prime suspects are consistently inconsistent with their stories".

Some of you will remember the pre-decimal currency in Britain, and that a sixpence was known as a tanner. I will leave you with this line from a nursery rhyme:

"Sing a song of sixpence a packet full of lies"

Good night all.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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