DON'T GIVE A RAT'S ASS
Over the weekend, a pest-removal company trapped and removed 788 rats from an infested house in Sutherland, Oregon. No police report was filed after they learned it was just President Bush holding a cabinet meeting.
Later it was discovered the house was owned by the Piped Piper but unfortunately, he had been recently foreclosed on and evicted.
HAPPY FATHER'S DAY
Yesterday was Father's Day. Or as 60% of the kids in America call it, "Mother's Day."
IT'S INCREDIBLE AT THE BOX OFFICE
The "Incredible Hulk" took top spot at the box office this weekend by bringing in $54 million. For those who don't know, after taking a foreign substance, Dr. Banner turns into a big green creature with unbelievable strength and anger. In other words, he could be the love child of Shrek and Barry Bonds.
The Boston Celtics made history last night by coming back from 24 points down and beating the Los Angeles Lakers, 97-91. This led to one reporter saying, "You don't even see chokes like that in the WWE."
In a related story, Shaquille O'Neil held a press conference on a navy ship with a banner behind him that read, "Mission Accomplished."
A new report out states 1 out of every 4 New York citizens has herpes. In order not to skew the results, no New York Governors were included.
The report also shows there is a very popular website where people with herpes can go online, and hook-up for dates. It's called "MySpace."
Two men scaled the 52-story office tower of the New York Times Yesterday, then fell all the way back down to the ground safely. When asked why they fell down instead of using ropes, they said they wanted see how it felt to be George Bush's approval rating.
THE ROYAL DEBT
Prince Charles just paid off a family debt incurred more than 350 years ago. Prince Charles said he found some old documents showing his ancestors still owed John McCain for deliveries he made to King Arthur
Research pointed to a Dutch woman who reached 115 years of age and remained mentally sharp throughout life as proof Alzheimer's doesn't effect everyone. She's in the Guinness book of records as being the only person who could remember when John McCain was baptized….by John The Baptist.
GET THE LEAD OUT
Researchers say excessive exposure to lead can cause permanent brain damage that may even contribute criminal behavior. After hearing this report, building inspectors immediately condemned the White House.
MCCAIN UPSET AT HIS "BASE"
John McCain continued to complain about the press saying today's headlines are more about "show" than "facts." McCain said back in his day, the papers only reported facts. Like when he turned five, the headlines read, "Rome Burns: Nero nowhere to be found."
THE JOKE'S ON YOU
A new airline called "Derrie-Air," which charged people by the pound, has been discovered to be a hoax. You think with the name "Derrie-Air" people would have known it was a scam. That's like making up a cable company and calling it "Time Warner." Now THAT'S a scam!
William Hale - Comedy Writer/On Air Personality