In his pre, pre, pre-budget speech, the Chancellor of the Exchequer has announced a raft of new taxes aimed at taking his traditional vendetta against the motorist out of the spotlight.
Lift Tax - a payment of 10p per journey if you take an elevator. As there are NHS ramifications and subsequent savings gained from the exercise walking up the stairs, this tax rises to 25p and 10p per storey above 10 levels. Coin slots will be provided, in a slot machine fashion so lift users can play double or quits.
Question Time Tax - levied at 15p per question where an MP doesn't stand up and wave his/her arms in a manic fashion at the increasingly frustrated speaker of the house (who doesn't actually speak I found out - I also discovered that the Foreign Secretary is not in fact Foreign, which I feel is a little racist myself).
Celebrity Tax - any B-list or lower celebrity, will pay an increasing level of Celebrity Tax in order to gain their unwarranted public exposure. The less of a celebrity you are, the more you must pay. In other words, despite his earnings, Tel Wogan does not have to pay any more tax than he does at present. The B-list celebrities who turn up on TV panels and game shows pay 15% of their evening's earnings, unless they have slipped in under the door and are of a lower grade, e.g. Anthea Turner. Those celebrities who have, for instance, won Big Brother, or similar insulting wasters, must pay at a level of 50%. If they gained their fame on the BBC, as it is publicly funded, they must pay at a rate of 66%.
Chav Tax - all fake handbags, fake designer watches, fake perfumes and fake Ugg Boots will attract a special CAV (Chav Added Tax) of 15%. Ripped jeans will attract a 24% rate.
Txt Tax - Testers who wish to do so in public, will pay 2p per text tax. Misspellings will attract a special rate of 80% per transgression.
Deafness Tax - users of personal stereos where, for example, they sit in the back of the bus and the bus driver can hear it, will be subject to 33% tax or risk having their earphone cords cut.
HR Tax - companies using HR consultants instead of recruiting for themselves, will pay a 35% WOT (Waste of Time) Tax. If they have their own Human Remains departments, and still insist on using consultants, the level of tax will double.