Speaking from my ivory tower on Canary Wharf, I learned today that not only is poor little Maddy Mccann missing, but speaking to our royal correspondent and former plumber, Kendo Nagagranny, I have found out, and can exclusively reveal, that Diana, Princess of Wales, is still dead!
I went to Parliament for Prime minister's question time, and was astounded to learn, and can exclusively reveal that Gordon Brown is Prime Minister. He MUST have slipped in unnoticed when John Major resigned as a result of the Labour party winning the election some time ago. Speaking to Her Majesty the Queen about this, she said to me, exclusively, and not for publication, "Who the hell are you?..... Philip, put down that Chinese person you are insulting and escort this editor-type person off the premises immediately!"
I wouldn't mind, but it was MY coin-operated laundrette they were in at the time.
Turning to television, isn't EastEnders exciting? It seems that Dirty Den is dead, and Arthur the gardener is also quite dead, despite the fact he pops up in Casualty and the Bill playing TOTALL DIFFERENT PARTS. In fact, the part he played in Casualty was a prosthetic leg.
Strictly Come Dancing - now there's a suggestive name for sexy newsreaders rubbing themselves against sport stars in time to music - I can exclusively reveal, this is a DANCING COMPETITION.
It's exactly like X-Factor, except that it is totally different. It totally changed the life of Bruce Forsyth, the show's host, who was a celebrity before he wrote the wildlife book "Day of the Jackal" and had a hair transplant.
He has a panel of judges - Simon Cowbell (celebrity farmer), Louise Walsh (from Girls Aloud), Sharon Osbert (the celebrity chef from the Manchester Fallowfield branch of McDonalds) and Danny Minogue (Australian former celebrity truck driver). There seems to be an extraordinary amount of woodworking on the show, because they all keep saying "he nailed it". Unless they are referring to the Roman practice of crucifixion.
Right, I must go. I have been invited to the AFTTFA Awards, which celebrate the best in British palindromes.
Cherry Pips and Toodle Ooooohs.