The American cable channel Bravo has introduced a divine new reality show featuring a family already beloved by millions around the world. Having relocated from Nazareth, Mary, Joseph, and a teenage Jesus Christ adjust to a life away from the barren Middle East and immersed in the fertility of Orange County. TheSpoof.com has acquire an excerpt of the transcript from the first episode.
(Jesus frantically walks around living room, turning over chairs and couch cushions. Joseph sits calmly in an armchair reading National Review)
Jesus: Mom, where are my sandals!!!
Joseph: Don't yell at your mother, son.
Jesus: I'm not your son, Joe. You're not the boss of me. Don't think just 'cause you got me a Hummer for my birthday, that you can buy my love. We both know who's putting that moola in your bank account. Besides, you just got me an H2 which is TOTALLY LAME AND I'M STILL MAD ABOUT IT.
Joseph: Well, why don't you use your wand to change it into whatever the hell kind of car you want?
Jesus: I don't have a wand!! What, do you think I'm some hack magician like David Blaine or something? I am the S O G!!
Joseph: Well, S O G, stop yelling at your mother, go to your room, and do your homework or you're not taking your lame hummer anywhere. We'll see who's the boss of your car payments and how well you can make the repo man disappear.
Jesus: (storming off) Aahh, you are so unfair.
Jesus: On the one hand, I'm just like anyone else. There is nothing different about me. But on the other hand, I'm totally different. It's really not a pretty picture.
(Audio plays over the image of Jesus and twelve other boys, dressed in hip-hop gear, climbing all over the furniture and playing video games.)
Mary: Yes, I would say it is a challenge being the mother of the Son of God. The groceries alone . . . I basically have to keep our refrigerator stocked with enough to feed 13 growing boys daily. And that's not counting the days Jesus feels like making a point and feeding the entire neighborhood.
(off camera interviewer): I thought Jesus was able to make food multiply automatically.
Mary: Where'd you hear that? Wouldn't that be a saving grace! No, the only thing Jesus makes multiply automatically is my grocery bill.
Jesus: I don't know how it got around so quickly, that I'm the, you know, S to the O to the G-O-D. I did put it on my MySpace page, but I only have 112 friends - wait, no, 110 because I blocked Erica and Shelly Esterhas for saying it looked like my mom got her robes at T.J.Maxx. So, I mean, I don't know how it got to be world-wide. I know I wasn't supposed to say anything to anyone until I started my public life at 33, but I mean, come on. 33? Iran's got 27 centrifuges. There may not be a population to redeem by the time I turn 33 if you know what I'm sprayin'
(camera on Joseph knocking at Jesus's bedroom door)
Joseph: Time to get up, son. (No answer.) Jesus? (Joseph enters and moves toward the bed where Jesus has a pillow on his head.) Jesus, it's time to get up; you're going to be late for school.
Joseph: Come on, son, I've let you stay in bed long enough.
Jesus: Tell the teachers I've been crucified.
Joseph: Give me a break.
(Joseph and Jesus struggle over the blankets, Joseph ripping them off, Jesus struggling to crawl back under them.)
Jesus: Come on, Dad. Pleeeeaaassseee.
Joseph: So I'm your dad this morning, eh?
Jesus: Just tell them I had to perform a miracle and even out that dumb goatee of yours.
Joseph: (sarcastically) He knows not what he does. (turning to leave) Get that camera out of my face.
Mary: I'd say we're happy . . . uhm, yes. You know . . . for Jesus, his row is tough to hoe, not as tough as the soil in Israel, mind you, but figuratively speaking. (audio continues over images of Jesus praying in his room with one eye on The Simpsons) It's difficult for such a gifted boy. Imagine if you knew that in twenty years you'd be able to turn water into wine when people are dying left and right of heart disease today. (Jesus gets off his knees and into bed. He changes the channel to Jimmy Kimmel Live and pulls a package of Hostess cupcakes from under his pillow.)
(off-camera interviewer): What does turning water into wine have to do with heart disease?
Mary: Don't you read the papers? A glass of red wine a day can help prevent heart disease.
(off-camera interviewer): But people have access to plenty of red wine now, I don't . . .
Mary: Just forget it, okay? It's a tough row to hoe. Let's leave it at that.