Here's a scary question that can rip apart the entire Presidential electoral process in less than a minute: What if an elderly man or woman running for U.S. President suddenly dies or falls seriously ill during the final election process?
Well, the U.S. Constitution allows the party to choose a replacement candidate if the candidate croaks. And, we imagine similarly for a seriously-ill candidate about ready to 'kick the bucket.' We'll just have to check with the U.S. Library of Congress and the Party Rules if any candidate has a 'hiccup'!
Enter John McCain, age 71, likely Presidential candidate for the elephant boys and girls, but this guy is the oldest person to ever run for Commander in Chief, the first time around! Now, enter the packyderm pundits of the GOP and voilà, a new technology is born.
Starting on Monday, June 9, 2008, every U.S. metropolitan area will be equipped with a state-of-the art 'medical diagnostor' called PET CENTER-LXV [LXV stands for 65] or simply PET CENTER. The device, developed jointly over only a 5-month period, by the the Mayo and Cleveland Clinics and NASA, resulted in a laptop-sized miracle of technology, which was actually indirectly pushed by the potential frailties of "old man" John McCain, although Mayo gives him a good bill of health to run the White House. At first, McCain feared the prestigious summary report and asked his campaign manager to hold the Mayo! But, it turned out well, after all.
PET stands for 'Presidential Emergency Trauma' and is meant to check every vital organ, blood, and urine of a person in critical situations, such as one running for President, one gorging in a Hot Dog Eating Contest at Nathan's Famous Hot Dogs, and one competing as a contestant waiting in the wings to appear on American Idol, as examples.
Using the device, every organ of the 'humam machine' is tested through an anal plug of over 600 wires and a comparable number of sensors. Critical feedback is immediately relayed simultaneously from the heart, brain, kidneys, eyes, skin, lungs, GI tract, the genitals, adrenal glands, the thyroid, the ears, the vocal chords, the breasts, and the bones, to name just a few. To protect the security of its operation and to prevent loss by theft, the device might only be shown when actually used. In use, a side port with tubing and needles obtains urine and blood, while the butt plug, already jammed way up where the moon don't shine, acquires a fresh fecal sample.
Major participating inventor, Dr. Sledar H. Mengele of NASA, grandson of a famous medical doctor, claims in that 150 tests, only one electrical short occured, which caused the volunteer, SOB-23, to go racing down the hospital hallway while electricity was arcing across the opening to his butt with the device dangling and banging against the floor and with the 12-foot probe cord still atached rectally. SOB-23 managed to find a whirlpool bath (a bad idea) and jumped into it, as fast as he could to relieve the burning of 50,000 volts of hot DC up his rear and almost died, except for a nurse who was nearby and who yanked out the 'decoder plug.' Out came a very bloody part, dripping everywhere. Emergency surgery was able to save the volunteer SOB. Mengele's report said that the volunteer in the unnamed test town is viewed by the townees, as an asshole anyway. Said Mengele, "Vee care not for dis subject, anyvay! Jawohl!"
So, in the end, no pun intended, Mike Duncan (of Kentucky), Republican National Committee Chairman, is elated by this preventative "miracle of technology" to give the Republican party a fighting chance, should John McCain suddenly keel over on us. "Hey, if this guy can do a tiger cage for over 5 years by those gooks, he'll be as fit as a fiddle on the stump. But, now we even have PET CENTER-LXV!"
The Democrats caught wind of the device but, the current protocol, 'FED XZB-1056398 PROCTO-ANUS,' only allows those over 65 (= LXV) to use the device, to which Hillary replied, hey I'm 60. Close enough?!!! "Nein," said Mengele!
Despite the positive checkmarks from Mayo, McCain will be tested more the the 'Six Million Dollar Man,' at both 6 AM and Midnight everyday. Each closest metro area will provide the device. The total number is considered 'Top Secret.' Each will be guarded around the clock by 3 Army Rangers and 3 Secret Service Agents in each potentially "hot" spot. This essentially amounts to all U.S. metro areas.
At one point, PETA (People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals) nearly halted the project, as 7,900 monkeys were used in a very rapid development program. The monkeys were later euthanized and cremated, unfortunately, along with a lab tech, Simon Dooley, 29, who limped and could not get away in time for the daily 'dead animal collection.' He ended up as 5.5 pounds of ash, but was, however, awarded the Presidential Medal of Freedom, Posthumorously, as President Bush thought the whole thing was very funny. Some questioned Mr. Bush's attitude.
All that SCORPIO could find out from equilibrated (valid)tests on McCain, so far, is that he belches and farts quite a bit, irrespective of what he eats. Biochemists are working on methods to stop and neutralize the gases which leak slowly from his anus and can be stenchy from onions or garlic, italian herbs, or prefecal emissions. No emitted gas has been found toxic, to date. Said Dr. Mengele, "Danke. Der ist ein Gott!"