Written by Steddyeddy
Rating:

Share/Bookmark
Print this

Wednesday, 21 May 2008

image for Predictions for 2009 Septic Meg predicts for 2009

January

The New Year will begin, almost certainly, on the 1st January, although for some civil servants, it may not be until at least the 16th.

Riots will result in Leicester city centre because of the Primark sale, which itself is a sale of sale good previously offered prior to Christmas in the sales.

George Michael's new single "I'm going for a cottage in the country" will reach number one, although there will be accusations of chart entry via back door methods.

February

Alice Cooper declares his intention of running for Mayor of London.

Gordon Brown announces a tax on tax. Everyone paying income tax will have to pay the new ITT (Income Tax Tax) at a rate of 4% on every pound they pay in tax.

Amazon.co.uk will court controversy by losing CD's in the post, namely "The Eagles Greatest Hits" and "Pavarotti sings the Sex Pistols". Gordon Brown will deny all responsibility despite it not being his fault.

March

March will be the "International Month of the Fatwah", where the religious nutters of all persuasions will be encouraged to get their religious gripes and grievances over and done with prior to Easter.

Because every little helps. Tesco will commence their Christmas 2009 campaign, featuring a last supper dining preparation event. Stars who have signed up to date include Osama Bin Laden, Iran's President Have-a-no-dinna-jacket, Robert Mugabe, David Irving and Nick Griffin.

April

The Chancellor will defend the collapse of the Bank of Legoland, as he pours billions of pounds worth of Monopoly money into its rescue. He will blame the leaders of both political parties - David Cameron from the Conservatives and that bloke who's been elected head of the LibDems.

Tesco will reduce the price of their Christmas trees, crackers, wrapping paper and other Christmas profit-generating crap.

May

The entire Manchester United football team, including Alex Ferguson, will get through an entire football match without spitting, chewing gum or attempting a Bafta award-winning fall.

Tesco will commence their 2010 Easter campaign, using the strapline "Eggsactly what you want". Sainsbury will begin opening "Shop Local" stores on every street corner. Asda and Morrisons will enter the local take-away, dry cleaning and charity shop markets so as to maximise the service they can offer customers.

June

June is designated as British Annual Water Shortage Month, with celebrations of localised hosepipe bans and forest fires.

A Jihadist fails to ignite his bomb-belt due to battery failure induced by purchasing a pack of 20 for a quid from his local Pound Store, rather than opting for the more reliable, yet more expensive Duracell variety.

Tesco announce a Christmas sale.

July

An animal month. An English Sheepdog called Phyllis wins "I'm a celebrity get me out of here" and Dingo the Donkey wins the East Ham by-election caused by the death of some chap with a moustache and glasses. Unison decide it is in the best interest of their members to organise a national strike ballot in sympathy with overworked bus drivers in Bogota.

August

The LibDems announce their 2002 election manifesto. No one has the heart to shatter their illusions by telling them it's 2009. Rare British Coronation postage stamps are discovered on some undelivered mail from 1953. Wales declares the 14th as National Self-Abuse Day.

September

Arnold McFroggitt of Lerwick in Scotland is fined by e-bay for selling the Scottish Government on their auction website. A refund had to be made, as someone buys it for 47 Euros. Bob Geldolf announced "Bland Aid" - James Blunt, Alanis Morrisette, Shane Ward, Max Bygraves, Des O'Connor, deceased Canadian star John Denver and a host of unknown/forgotten Eurovision singers have all signalled their support.

October

The Christmas sales are in full swing. There is a confirmed shortage of supplies of the PlayStation 4, due to be invented next year. Cement boots, popularised by the Italian Mafia, are all the rage amongst the brain-dead followers of fashion, who have adopted Poundstretcher as their shop of choice.

November

A psychopathic, mass-murdering, wife-beating, child-abuser from the foothills of Tehran is elected as the country's new president. The Mullahs are concerned that his views might be altogether too liberal in comparison to those of his predecessor Ihava Nodinnajacket.

December

Easter Eggs go on sale in Tesco. The Internet Research Company release figures showing that up to 3% of the world's spam is genuine email. Hewlett Packard invent a computer printer that never runs out of ink because it never works from the minute it is taken out of its box.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

If you fancy trying your hand at comedy spoof news writing, click here to join!
Print this

More by this writer

View Story
View Story
View Story
View Story
View Story
View Story

Share/Bookmark

126 readers are online right now!

Go to top