Written by Gene Mason
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Monday, 19 May 2008

image for NCAA Report on Acceptability of Big 10 Conference Nicknames Players Conspire to Offend 80,000 People

Part 2 of a 12 part series

Illinois Fighting Illini- Findings: blatant defiance of previous rush to judgement--er, judgement. A slap in the face of Native Americans everywhere. Judgement: offensive.

Indiana Hoosiers- Findings: unauthorized use of nickname is a callous affront to Native Indianans everywhere. Judgement: offensive.

Iowa Hawkeyes- Findings: insensitive glorification of abominably cruel fur trapper character from Last of the Mohicans. Racist snubbing of numerous Native American characters from the book who deserved the honor more. Judgement: offensive.

Michigan Wolverines- Findings: crass exploitation of a sensitive and therefore in danger of becoming vulnerable and therefore in danger of becoming threatened and therefore in danger of becoming endangered and therefore in danger of becoming extinct species. Judgement: offensive.

Michigan State Spartans- Findings: Mindless glorification of militaristic, warlike city in ancient Greece. Judgement: offensive.

Minnesota Golden Gophers- Findings: too hard to find something offensive about it. We at the NCAA do not like being toyed with. Judgement: offensive.

Northwestern Wildcats- Findings: shows mean-spirited, judgemental attitude toward the behavior of large, undomesticated felines. Judgement: offensive.

Penn State Nittany Lions- Findings: sexist slap in the face of Nittany Lionesses everywhere. Judgement: offensive.

Purdue Boilermakers- Findings: mindless endorsement of American industrial might at the expense of the environment. Also a mean-spirited taunt aimed at recovering alcoholics. Judgement: offensive.

THE Ohio State University Buckeyes- Findings: Crass flaunting of tree purportedly used to make "log cabin" emblem and walking canes used in presidential campaign of notorious Native American killer William Henry Harrison. Judgement: offensive.

Wisconsin Badgers- Findings: shameless exploitation of an animal that is brutally tortured and slaughtered for sport in Britain. Judgement: offensive.

Tomorrow: the NCAA Report on Acceptability of Big 12 Conference Nicknames

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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