Written by Natowsky
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Tags: Hair

Wednesday, 7 May 2008

image for Obama Reveals Secret To His Constant Head Hair Length. What Hair? Renegade, Sim Ali al-Ass-im: "I do hair like you do not believe! Any kind of cut!"

What's a human head called that has what appears to be fuzz or mold growth all over it? Getting more specific, what is on top of Barack Obamas's scalp? Is it really hair? If not, what is it?

It's been bothering 'Trim Magazine News' for several years! What exactly is on Barack Obama's scalp? It's not an Afro, it's not a marine baldy or marine fade...so what the heck is it? Somebody tell us!

We sent out our investigators Worldwide, because of the immense interest value stirred up by Senator Obama's 'micromop.'

Exclaimed Hillary Clinton, "I think he goes bald at night; he washes off that spayed-on slop before 'night-night' with Michelle, then, resprays in the AM. I know he has a valet of some sort who tends to his dress and hygiene needs. But boy, can this almost-baldy Senator use some Altoyds. I mean even at the debates, the dragon nearly got me with that fetid mouth of Obama's. You know that his favorite foods are chitlins, pork rinds, ham hocks, menudo...and, since he's Muslim, or, should we say a 'Muslo-Chris,' he's into eating food roasted over camels' dung flown in from various places in the Middle East.

"I tell you, that my opponent's half-Afro background has won him some debates by simply air breathing and exhaling stench at me, Hillary, the real Presidential meat. And, believe me, just ask my right-hand campaign advisor Huma Abedin; she's a hottie for me, but smart as a whip. And, I like whips...and restraints. Huma might be my full lesbian toy, both Indian and Pakistani! Back to half and half: Mr. Basketball Man! He doesn't shower, either, so it's like the Harlem Globe Trotters stench en masse! A little Febreezo never hurts, Barack Baby!"

After months of research involving thousands of interviews across the Middle East, it all boils down to a 'shielded and wanted' Arab terrorist posing as a hairdresser, and, we've heard, really not a great hair stylist, anyway.

So, à la Gomer Pyle, Surprise! Surprise! Surprise! Enter one Sim Ali al-Ass-im, living in Nablus, a major city of the Palestinian Authority, of 135,000 population. It seems that when Yasir Arafat was alive, al Ass-im kept Arafat's beard at 2 day's growth using a secretly-developed 'al-Ass-im-A' formula that removes all recent beard growth, except for the first two days of beard growth.

Reportedly, the concoction contains various dungs, frankinsence and myrrh, goat's milk, and pishpoo kariya, the latter, a very ancient and still secret ingredient used in the days of Babylon to assist in removing head, vaginal, armpit, chest, neck, anal, back, arm, leg, hand, ear, and nose hair from female royalty. It was later found to work on men, also, but bullshit needed to be added to make it really perform.

Apparently, the conconction removes hair growth, but is deficient in that it leaves several millimeters of hair starting from the roots! Thus, arose the Obama 'cut.' Amazing! The process is repeated every 4th night on Mr. Obama. This process gives us the 'OC', the 'Obama Cut.'

The story goes that Obama caught wind of the Palestinian medicine man's potion. Thus, Obama went from a 70s Afro cut to his current look of 'does he have hair?' It appears he does! And, although he keeps it so short, even, and trimmed, perfectly...now, we know how!

During his campaigning, he allows time for treatment by a trained Palestinian valet, Shalim bin bin Hakim. He refers to this servant as "bin bin," pays him minimum wage and always gets a perfect OC. Incidentally, Michelle, his wife, likes the feel of the resulting 'Afro-Christo' (her nickname for it), which she finds to cause extremely erotic sensations. When queried, she gave us that 'cat who just swallowed the canary look.' Barack blushed, but, "We needed to look closely for signs of red on his face!"

Obama actually licensed the ali-Ass-im-A formula and was ready to launch 'Afro-Christo,' 'The Hair That You Forget Is Even There,' but then, the Presidential primaries interfered.

He then turned business development over to the erstwhile troublemaker Reverend Al Sharpton of Brooklyn, New York which agitated upper-class black activists, who wanted nothing to do with it. Said Al, "Look, man...righ' now, you do a full Afro, a wave job like handsome Al, dem dreadlocks, shavin' in shapes and figures, or shave dat big head like dat stud Ving Rhames. Now, you finally got dat OC jive, which ain't no easy deal like sweet potata pie is ta me, bro'!"

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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