Written by David Hawkins
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Wednesday, 7 May 2008

image for Blow Job Ghost Destroys Image of Shitterton, Dorset Photo of The Blow Job Ghost in action. Circa 1852 at Shitterton's mile high pile.

Shitterton, Dorset, England - Shitterton is a hamlet in the village of Bere Regis in the Purbeck district of Dorset, England, between Poole and Dorchester. The village had about 1,797 Shittertoners in 2001.

You can't miss it from the road because of the odor of the mile high hill of turds for which the hamlet is named. They really do shit a ton. According to the invisible man in my garage who sits atop a flaming rope when he's not singing Bollywood ditties and lying across the bonnet of my antique MG all drunk on my stash of Holy Communion Wine I stole from the local chapel.

A number of confrontations with the now famous "Blow Job Ghost" at Bishop's Knob Abbey in Shitterton have been reported to police by clergymen.

"It's going to ruin the image people have of the fine hamlet of Shitterton." Moaned the besotted Father Murphy McBoyboinker. "Now people will drive by and laugh at our Shitterton sign."

Police Captian Bailey Wifebeater assured the drunk gay Priest, "We're doing all we can to get you a Blow Job Ghost. But we can't actually dust for ghost fingerprints or use LuminolĀ® on ghost semen."

"You don't believe us?" whimpered Father Paddy Drume.

"Yeah, Father, we belive you, and the part about the fairy in the red suit at Christmas who can deliver all the toys in one night, and the daft bloke with the boat full of stinkin animals. Sure we belive ya." Laughed Police Detective Skip Tickle. "So this ghost comes in when you guys are sleeping and he tickles your feet and proceeds to grab your nightstick and go at it and you can't fight back because you've taken vows and when he's done he goes to the next one of ya?"

"That's right." cried both Fathers in really homosexual little drunk voices only a demon could love.

"Well, how about the complaints of visitations by the Blow Job Ghost from the young boys of the church? And can you tell me how this coincides with the white sheets with holes for eyes we found in your closets and the white face makeup and the "Haunted House Noises CD" we found in your desk, can you explain that?" asked Captain Wifebeater.

"The image of Shitterton is shattered. The Ghost put those there to frame us." lied the man of the touched cloth.

"No, the town's image is fine. However, the image of a person who pretends to have virtues, moral or religious beliefs, principles, etc., that he does not actually possess, especially a person whose actions belie stated beliefs...
a person who feigns some desirable or publicly approved attitude, especially one whose private life, opinions, or statements belie his or her public statements...now that is little shit who has the shattered image." Preached Captian Wifebeater.

The two bollocksless, hypocrite Priests were arrested and later allowed to be set free by His Worshipful Bastard, The CEO of the Vatican, Bishop Aqueernus Slaponlimpwrist. They have gone back to Bishop's Knob Abbey and nothing more has been heard of the Blow Job Ghost. Of course it's only been a week and the two lucky Fathers have been seen at the local costume shop and hardware store. What's in store for the young men of Shittyerton?

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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