In an interview with Leslie Stahl on the CBS news program 60 Minutes on April 27, Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia explained his stance in favor of torture.
However, most viewers are unaware that Stahl was not the only well-known television personality participating in the broadcast. The contributions of the other guests had to be edited out to meet time restrictions, but The Spoof has obtained a full transcript of the panel discussion, which was organized after the Supreme Court voted one million to eight that torture does not violate the US Constitution.
The following is an excerpt of the crucial part of the exchange.
Leslie Stahl: If someone's in custody, as in Abu Ghraib, and they are brutalized by a law enforcement person -- if you listen to the expression "cruel and unusual punishment," doesn't that apply?
Justice Scalia: No. To the contrary. Has anybody ever referred to torture as punishment? I don't think so.
Chandler Bing: You don't think, period.
Justice Scalia: What was that?
Chandler Bing: Huh? Oh, nothing... Go ahead.
Leslie Stahl: Well I think if you're in custody, and you have a policeman who's taken you into custody...
Justice Scalia: And you say he's punishing you? ... When he's hurting you in order to get information from you, you wouldn't say he's punishing you. What is he punishing you for?
Andy Sipowicz: He's punishing you for not giving it up, wise-ass.
Homer Simpson: Duh!
Leslie Stahl: Because he thinks you are a terrorist and he's going to beat the you-know-what out of you.
Tony Soprano: I know I'd beat the you-know-what out of any you-know-what-else-ing rat bastard who wouldn't tell me what I need to know.
Justice Scalia: Anyway, that's my view. And it happens to be correct.
Jake Harper: (fart noise)