Written by Norton Folgate
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Tuesday, 6 May 2008

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A report has been produced by 'What do they do Ltd?' citing such luminaries as Guy Ritchie, Jude Law, Kelly Brook and Pete Doherty.

This damning report attempts to explain, understand and justify what certain celebrities do and where exactly their talent lies.

Guy Ritchie, aka Mrs Madonna, is something of a 'one trick pony' having only directed the brilliant Lock Stock and Two Smoking Barrels, he followed this up with the impressive Snatch - essentially a follow up to LSATSB (I couldn't be bothered writing it again).

Since then, Mrs Ma……Ritchie failed to reproduce his early success and whilst he is often seen on the red carpet of West End Premieres, they are never for his own films due to their suitability of STV (Straight to Video).

In short, Ritchie has been instructed to re-make EM Forster's A Room with a View and has been told in no uncertain terms,'to make a f*cking good job of it saaaaaaaaaaaann.' Quite how the Cockney Mockney pretender will cope is to be seen as already Vinnie Jones has distanced himself from the project.

Meanwhile, Primrose Hill balding womanizer, Jude Law is certainly one of a kind with the consistent 'hawk eyed' ability to choose a potentially great film project and transform it into a sh*t one.

A part in Eastenders is surely imminent.

Kelly Brook is another prime example of an attractive but frankly talentless wonder who only ever appears in one of three poses, these being Kelly in a bikini with Billy Zane, Kelly at a premiere or Kelly shopping. Now that she has split with actor Zane, she has reduced her options to just two poses.

Finally, Pete Doherty, famous for dating Kate Moss, heroin addiction, court appearances and dirty chewed down finger nails has applied to appear on ITV1 hit entertainment show - Britain's Got Talent.

Doherty's ability to roll his eyes into the back of their sockets at a moments notice whilst dangling a lit cigarette means that this multi tasking talentless dickhead is favourite to appear before a Royal Audience and storm the contest.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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