The following memoranda was released to the Village Voice last night. White House officials deny the assertions, allegations and mischief outlined in the memoranda. The White House also said it is a policy newer to divulge who works for the CIA, if there is a CIA or where a CIA would be located, if one ever existed.
FROM: Steven Segal, The Real CIA Director, not Michael V. Hayden
DATE: April 15th, 2008
Dear Mr. President:
My apologies for not answering your inquiry immediately and in person, but I am currently on the set of my new film, "Not In My Backyard, Raghead." After reading through the Intel Briefing prepared by V.P. Cheney's crack team of cryptologists and soothsayers, a number of salient oversights should be brought to your attention, prior to any operation.
Please understand that I enjoy kicking ass as much as anyone and vaporizing misguided zealots opposed to your way of doing things is one option, but based on my experience, strapping Nancy Pelosi to the SRB on the next Shuttle launch may not be the best way to go. The premise of giving her a front seat in the Oversight of a massive government project is a poor cover and I am certain Lou Dobbs would hound the Administration for weeks. I would suggest giving her a cameo role in my current film where the plot involves a suicide attack on a political junket. Screw ups happen all the time on my sets and people get their ticket stamped…if you know what I mean. I could offer the publicity seeking bitch top billing; she would never reject the "opportunity." One down with absolute plausible deniability from The White House.
Second, Mr. President, conducting an atmospheric nuclear test of a gigaton weapon above Pago Pago will have no impact on the congressional mandate of "PAYGO." They are not related and the residents of Pago Pago are not responsible for the doctrine. They are not even U.S. citizens and most of them DID vote for you in 2000. I have directed my staff to prepare action plans to "resolve" the PAYGO problem and we can discuss it at our next Intelligence Briefing, but my first impression is to let the matter go. PAYGO my ass. Since when has paying for any of your adventures been a deterrent or a prerequisite. Hell, my residuals will expire before Iraq is ever paid for. Give it up, Mr. President - who gives a shit? Most Americans are so focused on our gasoline price diversion, you could napalm the Vatican and no one would notice. It hasn't been an issue up to now. We have bigger butts to kick. By the way, thanks for the Congressional Medal of Honor for the misdirection ploy; it was a divine inspiration.
Finally, Mr. President, I have an outline for getting America behind your excursion into Iran. Through our backchannels to Mexican and Columbian drug cartels, we use them by making them an offer they cannot refuse. For a small appropriation, we purchase approximately twenty high speed cigarette boats that our technicians "clandestinely arm with small battlefield nuclear weapons."
Our agents offer the Tijuana and Cali cartel the boats to ferry opium out of Afghanistan through the Straits of Hormuz. Now I know this is news to you Mr. President, but Afghanistan is landlocked - it has no direct access to the Persian Gulf. Like Nebraska, Sir. I'm sure the "wetback" dealers are also unfamiliar with the esoterica of Middle Eastern geography.
My boys will pay the Taliban to caravan the "better shit" through Pakistan, down to the Gulf, where we pick it up and airlift it to the Iraqi coastline at the top of the Gulf, near Al Qushiah. There we have the cigarette boats waiting to be loaded by the cartels. We mutually agree to have the Navy interdict the first two boats, with U.S. Press onboard to trumpet your great efforts in stemming the drug tide of opium. I'll be certain the "wetbacks" arrested are wearing white robes and Teva sandals. "Greasers - Sand Monkeys," they all look alike.
After a few days, we let the cartels know we will protect their egress from the Gulf with fast boat convoys all along the way. Shortly after they embark Iraqi shore en masse, we have one Navy vessel approach the drug running boats, at which time we detonate all the boats loaded with opium, setting off one hell of a localized and relatively contained nuclear event. We immediately alert the White House Press Corps, then the American people of the Iranian attempt at an equivalent to a Middle Eastern Pearl Harbor.
I bet my life, Mr. President, that this plan will unleash the American sentiment to open up one hellacious can of "Whoop Ass" on the Iranians. At your pleasure (V.P. Cheney's & Exxon too), we can be eating lunch at Arby's and drinking Long Island Ice Teas at titty bars in Tehran in a week. I'll get Jon Bon Jovi to write a cool song for play on radios across the globe. Don't thank me now, Mr. President. I'm proud to do this for my Commander -In-Chief; plus I want the exclusive contract for Arby's, Shiner Bock and O.J. Simpson's Maple Hams across Iran…and one 7-11 franchise.